On the office floor

A tidal wave of pelvic pain hit me today- out of nowhere. And I am still gingerly moving around....and my mind is spinning into place of worry that are not very productive.

AF is due momentarily- so cramping, run of the mill or even stronger than usual cramping wouldn't have surprised me. But this was double over, nauseating, make me delirious pain. In lower abdomen. I spent 40 minutes laying on the floor of a vacant office down the hall from my cubicle before I felt like I could stand up and go back to my desk.

Aside from the severity of it, it also concerned me that it didn't feel the same as menstrual cramps. So now it has me worried: Is something wrong? Will it happen again? Tomorrow? Next time AF comes?

I have always worried about endometriosis. My mother had it- so I've always worried. And yet oddly it has never been discusses with any of the umpteen Gynegolosits and REs I have seen. But tonight's episode has be reobessing about it- and also frustrated because from what I know- it is often hard to diagnose and harder to get pregnant with it.

Oh, yet something else related to my girly parts that baffles me and isn't in my control, that I don't understand.

Time passes

October is here. October marks the next season of anniversaries for me. Anniversaries of due dates never realized. Our first pregnancy due date was Halloween 2008 and our second pregnancy due date was mid-October 2009.

And now it is 2010. There is a roller coaster of emotions- it is truly hard to comprehend at times, how this much time has passed. We are nearing the three year mark of starting to TTC. That fact makes my heart hurt at the core- heavy with desperation. Three years of TTC no doubt gives us not only the label of recurrent miscarriages but also infertile through and through.

3 years. I can't help but wonder how many more years will pass- empty.

So many what ifs.

So not how I thought this would be.

Trying so hard to be okay with what it is.

It is October once again.