A Year Older

I am a year older.  I celebrated my birthday this week. 

It was my second birthday as a mom.  But to be honest, I don't remember much about my birthday last year.  My daughter would have only been two 1/2 months old, and i probably was, well I know I was, still in the fog of breastfeeding/sleep deprivation/new parenting.

This year, we didn't do much.  We just were together as a family.  And the gratitude spilled over in tears a couple times during the day.  I love my daughter.  I love my husband interacting with her.   I have loved every age so far, but this age (almost 15 months) is really fun.  She is just getting smarter and wittier every day.  And she is showing compassion.  Which melts my heart.  I am in love in a bizillions ways.

My husband has been less ready than I to embark on TTC#2.  He feels overwhelmed sometimes just keeping our family of 3 afloat.  And I agree.  Rationally, I agree.  It doesn't compute how we'd manage a second child.  But I really feel strongly about having kids close together in age.  I felt a distance with my sister (3 1/2 years apart).  So I have it in my head, I want (if possible) to have them closer.  I also feel like I have put my career on hold, just working part-time here and there, and some day I will need to return to more lucrative income, but hoping to wait until Elementary school age.  So having them close together makes good financial sense for us.  My husband and I are also getting older.   We just are.

He has come around though.  So much so that we have a date penciled on the calendar for our embryo transfer that he agreed with.  We have two frozen.  So maybe two tries.  And then we are likely done.  Likely.  I have typed and deleted this paragraph numerous times.  I am still not sure I am ready to return to it all- appointments, prodding, decisions, paying out of pocket, waiting, hoping, waiting...  I scheduled and then cancelled my required Hysteroscopy several weeks ago.  I called today after much procrastinating and rescheduled it for two weeks from now.  They could of seen me this Thursday-  but that was too quick for me.  I need to take this slow. 

If I can wrap my head and heart around this in time.  IF the hysteroscopy is normal.  IF my bloodwork is normal.  IF the lab has an opening, IF....then we are aiming for transfer on March 29.

If.