Saturday, November 24, 2012

1 year later

I am overwhelmed today with the beauty of my daughter. 

We celebrated her 1st birthday a few weeks ago.  It was a beautiful celebration of life.  We invited our "village."  The amazing amazing family and friends that have surrounded us as we have been raising our daughter in her first 365 days of life.

And more tears have fallen in the past couple of weeks then in all of the first year of her life.  They are tears of.... I don't know... probably a mix of joy but also probably some tears of grief and  relief.

Her 1st birthday was much more than a celebration of her 1st year of life, it was much more than a celebration of the amazing village that loves her and has loved her even before she was born.  For me, it was the anniversary of the end to the darkness and the beginning of a new chapter.  And the beauty that flows out of this new chapter is so hard to fathom, it brings me to my knees.

I have said it here before, and I will say it again-  holding a child in my arms is not the cure all for all of life's woes, nor does it erase the pain and woundedness of years of loss and infertility, but the profound joy that trickled into my world like a ocean wave the day she has born has only continued to multiple.  the joy is uncontainable.

Her birth for me was the end of a very dark journey, one that I wish no one knew.  But a journey that forever will be my story and will be part of the fabric of who I am.  The days, weeks, months, and years of longing often brought me to the edge wondering if I could take it any longer.  The waiting upon waiting...without knowing how it would end broke me in ways that I shudder to remember.

And yet, I did not break.  Instead, who I am today is a delicate interwoven story of strength, joy, and gratitude that well up from those near broken places in me.

I know without a doubt that infertility gave me a gift-  a gift that allows me to hold my daughter with a bit more intensely, knowing how long she was longed for.  It gave me a gift of awareness that no matter how frequently and easily others seem to announce they are pregnant (again), that I know that every life that comes to be is a miracle too big to comprehend.  And it will take a lifetime I think to even begin to comprehend the miracle that runs into my arms each day with slobbery kisses and wonderful hugs.


  1. Oh P, it's so good to hear from you! I think of you from time to time and mean to reach out -- but you know how the days quickly slip by. Congratulations on your first year of motherhood! It makes me so happy to read about all the joy and happiness that the past 12 months have brought to you. It is bittersweet watching them grow up, though, isn't it?

  2. This is beautiful. I also recently wrote a post about parenting after infertility, but you said it much more eloquently. Happy (belated) birthday to your sweet girl! She's precious.