And so it goes

Stark white.

Gah, I forgot how absolutely glaringly white a negative peestick is.  Just stares at you. 

Blank.

I haven't cried.  If anything, I feel angry.  Pissed.

Pissed that it costs so much money to get pregnant in our reality.
Pissed that I don't have control in my life in this area.
Pissed that my friends are going on without me-  having #2, and yet again I watch from the sidelines.
Pissed that I don't feel great about my body right now.  I feel like it has taken a beating.  I feel old and tired.
Pissed that I have to do the FET prep all over again.
Pissed that we only have one more chance. 
Pissed that we are that much closer to having to wrapping our head around the idea that this one in our arms may be the only one.

Well, wouldn't you know it-  that last sentence triggered the tears.  Deep breath.....

Two frozen embryos never sounded like enough.  But it was always enough to know that I had two chances.  And that second chance was just the extra cushion I needed so that I didn't yet have to consider life with only one child.  .....becuase I still had 2 chances.

But 1 more chance-  1 more frozen embryo-   puts me so close to having to face the fact that there may never be a sibling.  may never be another pregnancy.  may never get to experience giving birth again.  

So much closer to having to close this chapter.

And damn it, I'm not okay with that.