I've been playing ball on a womens team for a couple of years. They have become, and are becoming, good friends. I enjoy the outlet for healthy competition, and they are a good group of women, and we truly enjoy each other.
But even in the safe community of friends, words can sting.
One of our teammates announced she is pregnant. As an infertile the sensors go up, even before the words are spoken. We know the non verbals that signal the announcement is coming.
And as our team congratulated her, one of our team mates said, "Well, it's about darn time one of you finally got pregnant."
I know what she meant. i know she meant no harm, but oh how it stung ...and stings. She is the only one on the team that has a child, and her daughter is almost school age. So I know what she meant- it has been years, and no talk of babies in this group of friends. Until now. So I know what she meant. But...
I think of our two losses- I want to scream out "But I was pregnant too!! Two times, I just never could tell you, because they came in to my life, and left, all too quickly and with far too much pain." I want to scream it, but I know I can't. Cause society doesn't give space for the pregnancies that came and go all too quickly. But I was screaming it inside, longing to have our little ones acknowledged too.
I left the game pretty quickly afterwards, but not quick enough that I would make anyone take note as the chin started to quiver a bit. A few tears fell as I drove home. But some clarity also came in that exchange tonight.
I realized how much I want that.
I realized that I am not done trying to achieve
"that". I want the chance to publicly celebrate among a community of friends that care for me and I care for them. I want the chance to honor the life within me. And to find some healing for the lives within me that came and went too quickly. Silently slipping into the darkness, never to be celebrated publicly. Two lives that I loved so much, that changed me forever, and I never got to share them with anyone.
I have been beating myself up a bit lately on this whole adoption thing. Adoption is something I have always envisioned for my family. And yet, I am so completely blocked right now that I just can't bring myself into a mental space where I can fathom pursuing that path right now. I can't summon up the excitement anymore for it. And tonight confirmed that for me. It confirmed that I am not ready to walk away from the chance of getting to someday announce those two little words to a group of friends and to get to celebrate with them about the life that is within. that someday will be in my arms.
I want that. And even if it takes more time, effort, and money than I would have liked. It is what I want. And I won't regret it.
Lord let it be.