Saturday, April 24, 2010

Anti-depressant and Marriage counseling

How's that for a heavy blog title.

Anti-depressant- my counselor asked if I might consider exploring is an anti-depressant would be right for me. Ugg. DH brought this up several weeks ago as well (unfortunately, the timing or manner in which he brought it up wasn't good, and it led to an all out fight- tears, cussing, the works.) Sigh.

I know I probably should at least talk to my doctor. I loathe the idea of making the investment of time it will take to find the right drug and wait until i've been on it long enough to even know if it will work. And then rinse and repeat. I don't like the idea of being on one while ttc. are we even ttc any more? who knows.

But I know that my "blueness" is now probably more than just normal grief associated with all of our losses. Grrr.

I don't like this. But it is time to be a grown up and deal with this- or at least explore my options.

Marriage counseling-
I brag about my marriage here. I talk about how I have the best DH in the world. And yet, I finally had to come to admit that this journey we have been on with IF and losses has taken its toll. Things have been rocky lately. Longer than just lately. Hard to say for sure- it just feels like it creeps up and in.

Usually when we have tough spells, they are brief, we find a way to reset and come back to who we really are, and even at times we end up a bit stronger in our relationship. But that hasn't been happening. And for the first time in our marriage- we both have been a bit scared by the fact that we haven't been able to find our center again.

I brought it up to my counselor yesterday. And she asked how long I have felt like we have been having this tough spell. I said it's hard to know for sure, but probably since January/February.

"Since you decided to take a break from TTC."

Duh. But of course. It made so much sense. I hadn't even considered the similarities in the timing.

when we were TTC, there was a purpose, a shared mission, a common goal. And now, now the grief and discouragement just settles in deeper and deeper.

She encouraged seeing a counselor together. And it was a good reminder that by acknowledging that we probably could benefit from marriage counseling, we're not admitting that we are failing or even in crisis. rather it is an acknowledgment that we could benefit by having someone walk along side us, and carry a bit of this very heavy burden we've been shouldering.

Update on the phone call
Nothing really to update. We called our friend, let her know that we'd be interested in at least asking some questions if her friend (the boys' aunt) wanted to. We haven't heard anything. Which is fine. We did our part in opening the door for conversation. And I have found myself spontaneously and without effort gravitating to praying for her and the boys often. For everyone involved, it is a tough situation. As as tough as it is for the Aunt to be raising the boys, I also can't imagine making the decision to initiate a conversation around having someone else adopt them. How would you ever pick up the phone and start that conversation?


  1. First, I don't have any advice how to initiate that conversation. This has to be tough.

    Your post title struck me. I had a tough time with this myself. After my third m/c and before the holidays, I finally started on I had been seeing a therapist since July and finally I felt like I needed extra help. I felt like a complete failure. It wasn't working the best and my doc switched me to Zolo.ft. I'm allergic to it and now I'm not taking anything. It's hard...I was so mad at myself for not being able to do it myself and I was mad that not only my body but my mind was betraying me, too.

    I hope that you and your DH work through this rough patch and it makes you stronger. (((HUGS)))

  2. So sorry you guys are going through a rough patch. Me and my DH went through a similiar thing. I was so sick of not feeling myself and crying and pulling everyone around me down that I went to couseling and went on Zoloft. It was the best decision I ever made. I was able to feel happy and hope again, and I believe God led me down that path as I had to be strong and help take care of my grandfather while he was dying of cancer. Not even a month after he died I was pregnant. I just feel like it is interconnected somehow.


  3. I applaud you for admitting two difficult things and encourage you to explore your options in both areas. There is absolutely no shame in either thing. It is so wise to use this time to take care of yourself and your marriage. Infertility and miscarriage sure can do a number on an individual and a couple.

    Sending you tons of support and prayers.

  4. Hope you are doing okay hon, haven't seen a post in a while. Thinking of you xx