Monday, August 8, 2011

Pandora's box of yuck

I'm not sure where to even start. I'm afraid to even let the flood gates open, as I am not sure of all that will come out.

My midwife (whom I love, just love) started off my 28 week check up today with the most compassionate look and truly inquired how I was doing. I shrugged and gave a pat answer. She said, "cuz, hon, you're lookin a little green, really green actually."

And green is how I feel. As she prodded to inquire more, I realized just how terribly yucky I have been feeling and for many weeks now. On the one hand, it felt so freeing to finally just admit- and even moreso to have someone see it in my face without me saving anything. But on the other hand it is just so hard to admit. I don't know why that is so hard to admit. Well, I do know why...

I am not feeling good and I am blaming myself. (ugg- tears starting to well up). I have no doubt that preggo hormones are mixed in to these emotions. I know at an intellectual level (or at least I try to tell myself) that sometimes, somepeople just feel yuck-o in pregnancy. But I can't help but feel that somehow I am failing. That it is my fault that I feel so yuck. For goodness sakes, I am only 28 weeks!

Like if only I had been healthier before being pregnant, that I should have been eating better, that I should be excersizing far more that I should, should, should.

I know there is nothing about "should" thinking that is remotely helpful. but that's where I am at.

I have felt pretty cruddy for 4 weeks. It came out of no where- for weeks and weeks I felt on top of the world. And it seems like overnight, I crashed. And I don't know why. I can't put a finger on why I feel cruddy. I have tried and keeping trying a bit of this and a bit of that. Iron, probiotics, allergy meds, sinus rinses, papaya enzymes.

And the kicker on top of all of that yuck feeling is I am SO tired. And once again, I have had a hard time letting myself admit it because I feel like it is too early in the pregnancy to be feeling this tired and this yuck. I truly almost melted in a puddle on my drive home from work on Friday. It is just too frickin' much. And then I stayed in bed all morning the next day. Skippin' even my yoga class cuz it was all just too much.

My midwife suggested cutting back to 4 hour days at work and reclaiming some daytime hours for myself to take care of myself as I wake up feeling pretty good- it is just as the day goes on that I am spent by early evening. I've been starting to ponder how I could cut back at work anyways, but having someone else give breath to it gave it more weight. But also scares the daylights out of me.

But I feel like having to admit to my employer that I can't do it all is killing me. I ALWAYS get the job done and get it done well. I am just feel like I am destined to finish out this last 12 weeks of work before maternity leave doing a half-ass shitty job. I feel like it is so lame to say "I'm just too tired and feel too yucky to work a full day."


So, for tonight, I am taking a hot shower, crawling into bed, and finding the nerve to talk to my boss tomorrow. I will swallow my pride and trust that who I am - in my job and in life- is defined by far more than how many hours I work during my third trimester.

I'm due for my weekly blog update for 28 weeks, but given my mood tonight- I think I'll wait until tomorrow to post it.


  1. Aw I'm sorry you're having a rough time. That baby is starting to grow pretty rapidly, so it's probably zapping your energy. Maybe it would be good to take it easy with work and everything. I hope you feel better!

  2. YOu are nearing your third trimester so no wonder you feel YUCK. HOnestly. I understand where you are coming from; this is the happiest time in your life BUT you feel so BAD physically and emotionally. This is totally normal. I don't feel good most of the time. I can't stand up for longer than a few minutes without feeling like I'm gonna passout and then the contractions start.

    Just take it easy and try to enjoy the good days. Maybe you should go out of work altogether?? that would help you tremedously. I have to sit with my feet up most of the time and take naps everyday to feel my best. I hate being so unproductive, but I do it so I can feel my best for my family.

    Erin Love, Briarrose

  3. Awww! Feeling awful is almost the worst thing that can happen. I keep saying I don't know how I would get out of bed to go to work everyday so I think it is amazing you have done it for 7 months. You are doing the right thing by talking about it and listening to your body. Feel better!

  4. This is so normal as you approach your third trimester. This started happening to me into my third also. I would suggest getting your iron levels checked out.

    I was taking supplements, too, but after my blood work was done, I found out that I was anemic with a vitamin D deficiency. The doc actually prescribed some OTC slow release iron for me & I took D supplements. I felt better within a week. The iron was called Slow Fe Iron, and you can get them just about anywhere.

    But definitely have your doctor check you out. It'll be fine...take a break if you need to. Get rest and relax. It really will be okay.