I'm not sure where to even start. I'm afraid to even let the flood gates open, as I am not sure of all that will come out.
My midwife (whom I love, just love) started off my 28 week check up today with the most compassionate look and truly inquired how I was doing. I shrugged and gave a pat answer. She said, "cuz, hon, you're lookin a little green, really green actually."
And green is how I feel. As she prodded to inquire more, I realized just how terribly yucky I have been feeling and for many weeks now. On the one hand, it felt so freeing to finally just admit- and even moreso to have someone see it in my face without me saving anything. But on the other hand it is just so hard to admit. I don't know why that is so hard to admit. Well, I do know why...
I am not feeling good and I am blaming myself. (ugg- tears starting to well up). I have no doubt that preggo hormones are mixed in to these emotions. I know at an intellectual level (or at least I try to tell myself) that sometimes, somepeople just feel yuck-o in pregnancy. But I can't help but feel that somehow I am failing. That it is my fault that I feel so yuck. For goodness sakes, I am only 28 weeks!
Like if only I had been healthier before being pregnant, that I should have been eating better, that I should be excersizing far more that I should, should, should.
I know there is nothing about "should" thinking that is remotely helpful. but that's where I am at.
I have felt pretty cruddy for 4 weeks. It came out of no where- for weeks and weeks I felt on top of the world. And it seems like overnight, I crashed. And I don't know why. I can't put a finger on why I feel cruddy. I have tried and keeping trying a bit of this and a bit of that. Iron, probiotics, allergy meds, sinus rinses, papaya enzymes.
And the kicker on top of all of that yuck feeling is I am SO tired. And once again, I have had a hard time letting myself admit it because I feel like it is too early in the pregnancy to be feeling this tired and this yuck. I truly almost melted in a puddle on my drive home from work on Friday. It is just too frickin' much. And then I stayed in bed all morning the next day. Skippin' even my yoga class cuz it was all just too much.
My midwife suggested cutting back to 4 hour days at work and reclaiming some daytime hours for myself to take care of myself as I wake up feeling pretty good- it is just as the day goes on that I am spent by early evening. I've been starting to ponder how I could cut back at work anyways, but having someone else give breath to it gave it more weight. But also scares the daylights out of me.
But I feel like having to admit to my employer that I can't do it all is killing me. I ALWAYS get the job done and get it done well. I am just feel like I am destined to finish out this last 12 weeks of work before maternity leave doing a half-ass shitty job. I feel like it is so lame to say "I'm just too tired and feel too yucky to work a full day."
So, for tonight, I am taking a hot shower, crawling into bed, and finding the nerve to talk to my boss tomorrow. I will swallow my pride and trust that who I am - in my job and in life- is defined by far more than how many hours I work during my third trimester.
I'm due for my weekly blog update for 28 weeks, but given my mood tonight- I think I'll wait until tomorrow to post it.