Mastitis= cursing and absolute discouragement

Double Mastitis. 

Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding.  Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me.  I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel.  I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.

Baby is fighting the breast right now.  Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.

And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl.  I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her.  And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.

I don't know what will happen next.  I am NOT ready to consider giving this up. 

On the positive side-  we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see.  So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!)  at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.

I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.

"Breast is best".  F&#k that.  Why is it so frickin' hard then?

1 week later- Update Post Pregnancy

I thought I would do one more Weekly Update as to life after to pregnancy, similar to the weekly updates I posted throughout - (and birth story is in the process of being written, as well as I'll post her name and more pics soon).


Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops.  Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room.  Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!

Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds.  Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it.  1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds. 

Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me.  I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.

Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived.  During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping.  I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does. 

Best Moment of the Week?  Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house.  Everything.

Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me. 

Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe.  It tastes good again, really good.  Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.

Gender? All girl!  I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.

What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer.  My first gut response?  Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant.  I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful.  I would do it 100 times over to get to this place.  It just really wasn't easy at all for me.  I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.

I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now-  they still don't. :(  I miss wearing them. 

Symptoms:  Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.    

Looking forward to:  Everything.  Every second of the day.  Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum).  But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones:  I am a mom.  Enough said.

Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness.  And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.

She is here!

It's a girl, and I am at a loss for words.  Born last night 11/4/11 at 11:31pm. 3 days past her due date.

Full details to come.

After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of waiting....it is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.

I am a mom.

Past due

I haven't given much thought to the world of being "past" my due date. I think due dates are hokey-  and I don't like how much we focus on them. But To be honest, i really thought I'd have this baby before my "due date".  I had a pretty strong intuition about it-  well, it was wrong.  But all in all-  I have really been glad I have had these last 5 days since finishing work to just relax.  I feel far more settled. And I don't feel too anxious about going past my due date.

But I will admit-  that this morning, as my eyes opened and my head lifted off the pillow on today, the day AFTER my due date, the first thought to cross my mind was:

"What if this baby never comes?"

LOL!  Granted-  not a rational thought.  I know it will come on its own time.  But I found it funny that that is the thought my subconscious produced as I was waking up this morning.  

40 Weeks- And still pregnant

How Far Along? 40 Weeks;  My due date -  11/1/11.  The date that has been hovering out there since the day we found out our IVF cycle worked.  Actually-   that date has been ingrained even before then-  as I started calculating and reclacluating the estimated due dates from the time we knew when our Egg Retrieval would be.


Today is my due date.  Amazing.  Crazy.

Maternity Clothes? Yoga pants are my favorite.  I want nothing to do with socks these days.

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? None;  Not sure how that happened-  I haven't been using any lotions/cremes because I didn't believe they actually worked. 

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week?  Our church included us in the prayers on Sunday at worship, and my tears flowed out of gratitude for where we are at and for our church family that has been with us this whole journey.. 

Movement? Yes, but can tell it is crowded in there.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.  And apples too. Overall, food isn't my friend again these days.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss?  Right now I am doing a pretty good job reminding myself of how soon baby will be here and so all the aches and woes seem temporary. 

Symptoms: Really tender in my pelvis, walking is really tough right now.  Heartburn.  Exhaustion.  No sign of my mucous plug;  I have had a few fleeting moments when I thought maybe I was having some practice contractions, but really hard to say for sure.   

Looking forward to:  Everything

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones: Due date!  And I finally found a bringing-baby-home outfit that I love.

Emotions:Mostly numb.  Trying to just stay in the present moment.