Doing it all over again

When we were going through the dark and ugly journey of multiple miscarriages-  there were several times my husband and I said, "we just can't do this again."

And through the month and years of IF, I would look back on the road behind us after month after month of TTC failed-  and I would say to my husband "I don't know if I can keep doing this."

As much as I longed to be pregnant, and as beautiful as it was to finally experience it, I felt rotten, miserable, horrid for almost the full 40 weeks.  And I said over and over again to anyone and everyone "I just can't do this again."

And now, now that I have smelled, and held, and kissed the chubby cheeks of Baby girl, all I can say, all I can think about is that "I want to do this all over once again."

She is 5 months old and there hasn't been a week (or day...) that has passed without me thinking to myself that I want to do this again-  and soon.  I want another child.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to give birth again.

I never thought I'd be one of those moms that wanted children close together-  but it is almost all I think about.

But I have gotten a little bit cocky, I think.  I think about it, and plan for it-  as if it is an absolute.  And nothing is for certain in this long long road of IF.

we have two frozen babes on ice.  And I am certain those emb-babies are what are contributing to my cockiness.  I KNOW we have two more tries.  And given we got pregnant and had a RLB with just one fresh IVF cycle, my logic assumes one of those frozen babes will be the magic ticket to number two.

But the doubt is there.  the grief still bubbles slowly and quietly up.  I know there are no guarantees.  I know I have no control.

I dont' know how I'll handle if one of those two don't stick.  I haven't begun to let it sink in that this may be the one and only in my arms.  But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm hoping come Fall, or for sure early winter, to try for #2.  DH still needs some time to warm up to the idea of doing it that soon-  so I am being patient to let him sit with the idea.

But one way or another-  I want to do it all over again. I do.  It is worth it to me the risk of more heartache. So worth it.