Sunday, April 1, 2012

It is April.

It is April today.  The month of March is gone.  It came and went without fanfare.  For the first time in 5 years, March came...and went...and I didn't even notice.  It wasn't until today, as I flipped open my April calendar that I realized the significance. 

There were no tears shed this March.  None.
There was no grief that left me gasping for air.  None.
There was no emptiness. None.

There has not been a March in the past 5 years that wasn't gut wrenching.

March 2008 we grieved the shock and devastation of our first miscarriage, March 2009 brought out second miscarriage, March 2010- the agony of more trying and waiting and nothing.  March 2011-  we finally saw our first heartbeat, and we cried, and held our breath to see what would come.

March 2012-  came and went without a second glance, and it can only be that that emptiness is healing, and with healing comes contentness.

I know I haven't written in ages.  I know I owe you a birth story and pictures.  I still think of this space all the time.  I don't know what to write most of the time.

I don't want to sound like having a baby is a cure all.  I don't want to imply that our daughter in our arms washed away all the agonizing years of infertility and loss.  I don't ever want to in any way discount that the past 5 years were absolutely gut wrenching-  and I would be doing a disservice to myself and anyone who has walked that road if I were to in anyway imply that a child, and only a child heals those wounds.


I never thought I would ever be able to pass through the month of March without a second glance.  I always thought it would tear me apart in some way. 

But it didn't.  And the joy I feel being a mom surpasses anything i could have ever imagined.  It is that good.



  1. What a wonderful post, it does give hope for the future you know. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. I have been meaning to email you FOREVER. I am glad to read this, it makes me so happy. :D I hope we can find a way to meet up in person again soon so we can catch up more completely!!!

  3. I think you described it all perfectly. Having a baby doesn't erase all that you've been through to get to this point, but it's clear that there has been healing in your heart. I'm so grateful that you have a little one to keep your mind and hands busy each and every day (and not focused on IF/loss), and who brings you so much joy!