Excuse the sappiness, but I just need some levity to my normally crabby blog.
How in the world did I get so lucky to be married to HIM? My husband! I still can't believe it. Became friends almost 10 years ago. Dated several years, married now for almost 4. And it just keeps getting better. I still don't know how we ended up married (!!) but I am grateful for every day.
We joke that the reason that no sparks flew when we met is that I was too young for him. Still am too young, but dating a 23 year old vs. dating a 26 year old when you are 18 years old than her seems drastically different. So, yes, I was too young for him when we first met.
And we both have been married before. We both had just ended serious relationships (my marriage, his engagement to another women) when he and I first met. Dating him DID NOT EVEN CROSS MY MIND!
I hear new mother's talk about the depth of love and the overwhelming feeling of knowing a love so great for a babe you have only just met. That is the closest I can come to explaining my love for DH. I did not know I was capable of loving him or anyone- to the depth that I love him. It changes every day. And every day I am changed. My spirit has been transformed in a way that astounds me. I am grateful every day of what we have together.
And when he cooks me teriyaki chicken, turkey sausages, and tofu stirfry because I am swamped right now and stressed about not having good easy protein choices in the fridge for the week. I came home to all of it in the fridge- and he is plenty swamped himself right now.
But it isn't even the chicken in the fridge, it is, but it is so much more. It is who he is and what we are creating together. We are a team. Our relationship inspires us and nudges us to selflessness. And I am in awe.
Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like today if he had never gotten the diagnosis. If we never had heard the words "stage IV cancer." Would I be as grateful? Would I be in as much awe of that fact that I get to spend my life with him? I want to say that I would love him in the same way, cancer or no cancer, but I don't know. Surviving cancer together changed us in ways that it is too hard to speculate "what if".
I have difficult days for sure when what I want and what I have sap each other of their beauty- I have days when I can't see beyond the word "recurrent miscarriages." But on days like today, when I am so in tune with the gift that is our marriage, I can't help but think that even if it was only us forever, I could still be joyful and at peace.
Oh, Universe, you are taking me on a ride- of this I am certain.