Struggle

Not sure where I have been.

I keep thinking about blogging, but thinking never turns into typing.

Grieving and healing are funny things. So unexpected and yet so normal.

The grief has been raw at times in the past couple of weeks. I didn't know why at first. But I think having my period start once again triggered another wave of emotions. Which probably explains why I have not been blogging since my last post when I wrote about my period starting. Coincidence? I think not.

I am ambivalent about trying to create our family. To be clear, I am not ambivalent about wanting to have a child. I KNOW that I want a child and that I want it now. But I am ambivalent about how to go about making that happen. Our international homestudy adoption process is on hold- cuz I don't have the energy or interest or excitement any more. I don't even have clarity any more that an international adoption is what I want. My period returning was complicated for me because now it means that a) sex could mean pregnancy and/or b) I could start trying to get pregnant again (charting temps, counting days, OPKs). And I really don't know if I want either option. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THROUGH weeks of sheer fear between HPT and 1st ultrasound. and I DO NOW WANT to think about this every single day. I can't/won't do it again. And yet I don't want to give up my dream of being pregnant. Fuck. I hate this.

I haven't been reading many blogs lately. I just have been too raw. But I have come across some stories and it feels like a theme. Stories of unexpected adoptions, unexpected journeys, women finding themselves, not by their own doing, becoming a mother in unexpected ways. And I think to myself- I so wish I could just DO NOTHING and trust that something will happen. But I don't trust that. I hear other people of faith talking about Trusting God, and trusting God's will for your life. and I do in a big picture way- I trust that there is a purpose in living out a life of grace, compassion, and love- but I plain don't trust in the specifics. I don't trust that I will indeed be pregnant some day. I don't trust that I will be a mom. I don't trust that any of it will just miraculously happen. I struggle with the "just have faith" mantra. What does that mean anyways? And the flipside to this is I feel like I have to be DOING something, like i have to push and fight and struggle to make this happen if I ever want to be a frickin' parent.

Oh, the tears are flowing. Sorry. I didn't realize that all this was brewing in me.

so now what? i don't know. I am tired, I am tired of trying to give life to the dream. I am tired of even hanging on to the dream. I am tired of not knowing what is next, or if this is all just a waste of time.

And I am tired of gloomy blog posts.