Monday, May 11, 2009

Let's talk about his swimmers

The swimmers have been delivered to be scrutinized by microspose This was a long process. I knew it was long, but I hadn't realized it was that long until I just looked back at my blog. April 3rd was the original appointment. Needless to say, it didn't happen. And it was hard on so many levels- ranges of emotions felt by one or both of us: disappointment, anger, humiliation, indifference, failure, frustration, blame, hopelessness, apathy.

It took a long time to reschedule. It was hard to attempt it again. This time he chose to do it at home and drive it to the lab.

It still wasn't easy. But we got it done.

While before, DH and I had some shared reactions, this time, I think we are experiencing different things.

DH is releived and (dare I say) -proud (I mean that with respect and admiration).
But I just can't help by feel like "What the hell are we doing?" This isn't what it is supposed to be like! This is absurd." I just don't know what I want (if you haven't noticed in, ummm...., ALL of my other posts.) And I don't have much confidence that we will actually find anything out from this test. And if we DO find anything out, what are we supposed to do with that information. What the heck are we supposed to do.

So his sperm are happy, and active, and dancing for joy. Well, then what?
So his sperm are slow, and sluggish, and not plentiful. Well, then what?
And if they are non-existent? Sigh... who knows.

whatever the answer, it will cost us to get the medical help we need. I wish our insurance paid for at least some of the costs. I wish I had a guarantee that if we pay x dollars, we are guaranteed to have a child. (See, here I go again with the not knowing what I want. I really should find a new rant for my blog posts)

I don't want to know the results from the lab, ....and yet I already put a reminder in my calendar to follow up with them on the results.

Stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. Just wanted to send you some hugs and to say thanks for your support and prayers