"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date"

AF came on Monday. While AF actually arriving is always a bit hard emotionally, I have to say that physically it is such a relief. I don't know how to explain it but the days leading it to AF I feel like my hormones are at war with each other. And I am caught in the middle. I get cranky, depressed, yucky feeling, and feeling like I am going to crack. On top of it, it usually takes 2-3 days from the date I first see my temperature plummet until AF comes- so their is that factor too- knowing it is about to come, and waiting and waiting.

All in all, I am realizing that AF finally coming gives me some relief, and I guess some closure to allow me to shift my hope to what lies ahead.

So what lies ahead?

I'm not sure exactly what this month will look like. I have decided that I need a break from the meds. I have gained about 5 pounds (probably emotional eating), and I have slipped from my exercise routine. And I just feel unbalanced, uncentered in life. And I just don't know if I am ready to start this all over again come Friday (CD 5) which is when I would start the meds. I considered (and actually have scheduled) an HSG, but to get the most benefit from the possible boost to our chances of getting pregnant my doctor advices TTC during the cycle of the HSG. What I haven't decided is whether TTC this month is a) medicated IUI, b) unmedicated IUI or c) trying it on our own. I could also postpone the HSG until next cycle (but I am anxious to have this done and out of the way and see if it provides any answers.)

So I don't know. I happen to have an appointment with Dr. Grass is greener on Friday which is CD5. So technically I could decide on that day to start the meds. My other question for her would be, based on my follicle history so far, could we/should we move my follicle check from CD 13 to CD 12. IF she agrees that makes sense, then it would fall on a Sunday and be MUCH easier not having to deal with work schedules.

The other factor in this is the DH had surgery this past week. It was nothing serious- a hernia repair, but a pretty extensive repair and the recovery has been slow. He has been in pain and, ummm er, it impacts the boy parts. The hernia was in the lower abdomen. But the way that they do the repair and the anatomy of the body means that, to quote his doctor, "you are going to feel like you took a blow to the nuts." So he has been swollen and sore down there. (TMI?) And of course, I am worried a little bit- hoping we didn't do anything to make all of this even more complicated with his equipment. Hernia repairs have a small chance of affecting fertility. So, I guess time will tell. I have been reading that stress or illness that affects sperm counts can be delayed several months. So does that mean that 3 months from now we could be seeing even worse counts? Gosh, I hope not. Out of my control, I know.

The other thing I have been ruminating on is the sense of time ticking away. I have written about this before, but I feel like on this TTC journey the clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I feel like the White rabbit in Alice and Wonderland- scurrying around -"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date." I feel sometimes like I missed the path I was supposed to be on for having kids, and now I am paying the price. I know that is not true. I trust (most days) that there is a plan greater then I can see and that in time I will look back and see beauty in all of this chaos. So I have been reminding myself that I am not running out of time. It isn't my biological clock that I worry about- it is the age difference between DH and I. Are age difference in the 8 years we have been together has been absolutely irrelevant. I worried for so long about dating/marrying because of our age gap, and in the end I just chuckle and shake my head thinking about all that I would have missed out on. I can't imagine not having taken the risk. Choosing to parent, with our age difference, falls along those same lines. I feel like the clock is ticking because of his age. But the reality is, I know that whether we have a child today or two years from now I am going to look back and it isn't going to matter. I need to trust that I will in time look back, shake my head and chuckle, wondering why I ever lost sleep worrying about ages and running out of time. I will look back and it will be beautiful.

Public Alert

I am so unbelievably cranky, I should not be let out in public. Seriously. I will bite anyone and everyone's head off.

A failed IUI is hard enough, but these damn hormones on top of it make me a crazy women.

Going back and forth about what to do this month. But I think I am going to do the HSG and try on our own this month. And then an IUI the next cycle.

After that? I have no idea.

i am cranky. i don't like this.

.........

My temperature this morning dropped low. And despair is creeping in.

I didn't even need to POAS this cycle to know the answer.

Seriously considering taking a break this next cycle.

I am worn out in so many different ways.

Blue

Having a blue night.

I am not sure why, but I feel like if this is a BFN, which it most likely is, it is going to be harder to take. Last month was fine. This month, I don't know- even though are numbers were even less optimistic this time, I just want it to work.

I want to be done.

I want to know how this ends.

If you could tell me that in one year, heck, in two years I would have a child, I would be able to be at peace with the month to month waiting. Even with back to back BFNs. As long as I knew I would get there.

Yes, I know this is ironic that I am writing this because it flies in the face of everything I just wrote earlier today and everything that I was inspired (and believe in) about Stacy's reflection.

My sister and her baby left today and while I am glad to have my house back, the house feels empty. And the hole in my heart that was left by the miscarriage is still gaping.

I have been wanting to start seeing a therapist again. I saw one regularly and then off an on years ago. She was very good and I liked her. When she retired, I was fine moving on and not seeing anyone. A few years later though, after I finished grad school I was feeling like I wasn't navigating life as well and found a new counselor to try. Saw her 4 or 5 times and realized that I don't think she was good at what she did and i didn't like her. But I am at the point again (past the point) of needing one- I just think I'd do better navigating all of this if I was intentional about working through it with a counselor. But finding one that a) is good and b) that I like feels so daunting.

I did find out just yesterday that one of the counselors that the Infertility clinic recommends is actually covered by my insurance. (Miracles do happen!) I have jotted down her phone number and working up the energy to call her. The location is not convenient to where I live or work, but she specializes in infertility/adoption, etc. Hoping she is taking new patients and that it is a good match. And if it isn't a good fit, just hoping I know right away so as not to invest to much energy.

Sorry for the down in the dumps post- I am sure its clomid induced, and soon my hormones will be reset- but even so, just needed to get it out.

Damn it, my b * * bs hurt!

They are sore. Throbbing. I could care less about the actual discomfort, I can deal with that. The thing is... it makes me want to hope, damn it. And hope is so frickin' complicated.

I don't have to do much searching of my blog documentation of other cycles to show that sore girls are just as likely to mean my period is on its way as it means that I am pregnant. Which basically means- that my b**bs being sore DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.

And yet I am still compelled to hope. That maybe, just maybe this could have worked. That just maybe there will be a positive peestick at the end of this week.

Hope is a funny thing- it is ALL that sustains me in this journey. It is ALL that keeps me going, one step after the other. And yet I SO wish sometimes that I didn't have hope. Cuz if you don't have hope, you can't have your hopes dashed. Hope is funny that way.

If you haven't read Stacy's post on Endurance, it is a must read. She talks about this infertility journey we are on as being a marathon for strength training, with an emphasis being on the journey, and not only on a "winning" outcome. It speaks a lot to my love hate relationship with hope. When I face this journey with a focus on a "winning outcome" being the only ending, that is where having hope is so devastating. I find myself asking, "why should I hope, because there are no guarantees on the outcome of this journey." But, when my hope comes from my inner core, a hope that hopes not just for a certain outcome, but a hope that believes, that trusts, that beauty does come from the darkness. This is truly the life-sustaining type of hope.

****************************************************

So, I had told myself I wasn't going to test until CD13 or CD14. My sister and niece are still here for another day and I thought it would help distract me from testing. Ummm, no. So this morning I was up early temping (i'm charting my temps), and didn't go back to sleep immediately so I decided what the heck. I'll pee on one. Well, I did. Sort of. After seeing a faint positive and having my hope and curiosity boosted a bit, I realized I peed on an OPK. Ha! That's what I get for POAS on only CD11. So of course I googled the heck out of "OPK as HPT tests" and I know they CAN work the same way, but in the end, it seems all too uncertain for me. Test line, control line, which is to be darker, yada yada. So, I have written it off as a waste of an OPK and now the big question is when do I test next (on a REAL HPT stick this time)? We'll see how much self control I have tomorrow....

Where I am

Updates from my week: (a.k.a. why I have been so quiet on my blog)

* My baby sister and her baby are visiting for 10 days. It has been a welcome distraction during the 2ww but also bitter sweet. My niece is adorable, she is a really sweet, laid back baby. She will be 1 year old in a week. Our first child if born on my EDD would have turned 1 this past Halloween. I had always dreamed of my kids have cousins close in age, but with my older sister being done having kids and my younger sister still REALLY young, I never thought it possible. And now I am the only one not to have a child yet. The pitter patter of 11 month old feet down our hard wood floor hallway, is a painful reminder of what should have been for us.

* Our post wash counts on IUI day were dismal. We were distraught on IUI#1 because post wash was only 3 1/2 million. They like to see 5 mil, they really want to see 10 mil. This IUI, #2, post wash was only 1 1/2 mil. I wondered what was the point in even doing it. I think this is part of the reason I haven't blogged, is the hope fell out of my box of hope once again. And we have NO direction as to why DHs counts keep going down, down down since May.

* So even having said that I lost hope because of the poor IUI numbers, I ironically and still counting the days and hoping for those two damn pink lines. Ironic isn't it? The science tells you the chances are tiny, but we don't stop hoping that some day it could be us. Thursday is CD 12. I will probably try to wait until Friday or Saturday to POAS.

* Clomid: Physically, again this drug hasn't been to hard on me. A few small headaches, a day or two of, ahem, constipation, feeling bloaty, but all these are relatively minor in the big picture of 28 days. But emotionally? OMG! At least this time I can recognize it a bit and tell my self to breathe. But I could break down into a sobbing mess at any moment lately (today especially) and/or strangle the next person that looks at me the wrong way.

* My prayers this month have been that I might find peace in whatever path lays ahead related to career and family. I am waiting to hear about a 2nd interview for the job I applied for. It would be Full-time. Currently I am part-time with my own business on the side. If I were to get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the coming months, my part-time situation is ideal. But if I don't get pregnant in the coming months, I think I will go crazy at my current job because of lacking purpose in my life. In the past, I made decisions to not advance my career because I thought/hoped I would be pregnant soon. But almost two years later, I don't absolutely love my current career situation and I am not any closer to pregnant. I do not have a crystal ball to make this decision (IF I even am offered the job). And so, I take one day, one decision at a time and pray it all is beautiful in the end.