They are sore. Throbbing. I could care less about the actual discomfort, I can deal with that. The thing is... it makes me want to hope, damn it. And hope is so frickin' complicated.
I don't have to do much searching of my blog documentation of other cycles to show that sore girls are just as likely to mean my period is on its way as it means that I am pregnant. Which basically means- that my b**bs being sore DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.
And yet I am still compelled to hope. That maybe, just maybe this could have worked. That just maybe there will be a positive peestick at the end of this week.
Hope is a funny thing- it is ALL that sustains me in this journey. It is ALL that keeps me going, one step after the other. And yet I SO wish sometimes that I didn't have hope. Cuz if you don't have hope, you can't have your hopes dashed. Hope is funny that way.
If you haven't read Stacy's post on Endurance, it is a must read. She talks about this infertility journey we are on as being a marathon for strength training, with an emphasis being on the journey, and not only on a "winning" outcome. It speaks a lot to my love hate relationship with hope. When I face this journey with a focus on a "winning outcome" being the only ending, that is where having hope is so devastating. I find myself asking, "why should I hope, because there are no guarantees on the outcome of this journey." But, when my hope comes from my inner core, a hope that hopes not just for a certain outcome, but a hope that believes, that trusts, that beauty does come from the darkness. This is truly the life-sustaining type of hope.
So, I had told myself I wasn't going to test until CD13 or CD14. My sister and niece are still here for another day and I thought it would help distract me from testing. Ummm, no. So this morning I was up early temping (i'm charting my temps), and didn't go back to sleep immediately so I decided what the heck. I'll pee on one. Well, I did. Sort of. After seeing a faint positive and having my hope and curiosity boosted a bit, I realized I peed on an OPK. Ha! That's what I get for POAS on only CD11. So of course I googled the heck out of "OPK as HPT tests" and I know they CAN work the same way, but in the end, it seems all too uncertain for me. Test line, control line, which is to be darker, yada yada. So, I have written it off as a waste of an OPK and now the big question is when do I test next (on a REAL HPT stick this time)? We'll see how much self control I have tomorrow....