Blue

Having a blue night.

I am not sure why, but I feel like if this is a BFN, which it most likely is, it is going to be harder to take. Last month was fine. This month, I don't know- even though are numbers were even less optimistic this time, I just want it to work.

I want to be done.

I want to know how this ends.

If you could tell me that in one year, heck, in two years I would have a child, I would be able to be at peace with the month to month waiting. Even with back to back BFNs. As long as I knew I would get there.

Yes, I know this is ironic that I am writing this because it flies in the face of everything I just wrote earlier today and everything that I was inspired (and believe in) about Stacy's reflection.

My sister and her baby left today and while I am glad to have my house back, the house feels empty. And the hole in my heart that was left by the miscarriage is still gaping.

I have been wanting to start seeing a therapist again. I saw one regularly and then off an on years ago. She was very good and I liked her. When she retired, I was fine moving on and not seeing anyone. A few years later though, after I finished grad school I was feeling like I wasn't navigating life as well and found a new counselor to try. Saw her 4 or 5 times and realized that I don't think she was good at what she did and i didn't like her. But I am at the point again (past the point) of needing one- I just think I'd do better navigating all of this if I was intentional about working through it with a counselor. But finding one that a) is good and b) that I like feels so daunting.

I did find out just yesterday that one of the counselors that the Infertility clinic recommends is actually covered by my insurance. (Miracles do happen!) I have jotted down her phone number and working up the energy to call her. The location is not convenient to where I live or work, but she specializes in infertility/adoption, etc. Hoping she is taking new patients and that it is a good match. And if it isn't a good fit, just hoping I know right away so as not to invest to much energy.

Sorry for the down in the dumps post- I am sure its clomid induced, and soon my hormones will be reset- but even so, just needed to get it out.