Monday, November 9, 2009

Where I am

Updates from my week: (a.k.a. why I have been so quiet on my blog)

* My baby sister and her baby are visiting for 10 days. It has been a welcome distraction during the 2ww but also bitter sweet. My niece is adorable, she is a really sweet, laid back baby. She will be 1 year old in a week. Our first child if born on my EDD would have turned 1 this past Halloween. I had always dreamed of my kids have cousins close in age, but with my older sister being done having kids and my younger sister still REALLY young, I never thought it possible. And now I am the only one not to have a child yet. The pitter patter of 11 month old feet down our hard wood floor hallway, is a painful reminder of what should have been for us.

* Our post wash counts on IUI day were dismal. We were distraught on IUI#1 because post wash was only 3 1/2 million. They like to see 5 mil, they really want to see 10 mil. This IUI, #2, post wash was only 1 1/2 mil. I wondered what was the point in even doing it. I think this is part of the reason I haven't blogged, is the hope fell out of my box of hope once again. And we have NO direction as to why DHs counts keep going down, down down since May.

* So even having said that I lost hope because of the poor IUI numbers, I ironically and still counting the days and hoping for those two damn pink lines. Ironic isn't it? The science tells you the chances are tiny, but we don't stop hoping that some day it could be us. Thursday is CD 12. I will probably try to wait until Friday or Saturday to POAS.

* Clomid: Physically, again this drug hasn't been to hard on me. A few small headaches, a day or two of, ahem, constipation, feeling bloaty, but all these are relatively minor in the big picture of 28 days. But emotionally? OMG! At least this time I can recognize it a bit and tell my self to breathe. But I could break down into a sobbing mess at any moment lately (today especially) and/or strangle the next person that looks at me the wrong way.

* My prayers this month have been that I might find peace in whatever path lays ahead related to career and family. I am waiting to hear about a 2nd interview for the job I applied for. It would be Full-time. Currently I am part-time with my own business on the side. If I were to get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the coming months, my part-time situation is ideal. But if I don't get pregnant in the coming months, I think I will go crazy at my current job because of lacking purpose in my life. In the past, I made decisions to not advance my career because I thought/hoped I would be pregnant soon. But almost two years later, I don't absolutely love my current career situation and I am not any closer to pregnant. I do not have a crystal ball to make this decision (IF I even am offered the job). And so, I take one day, one decision at a time and pray it all is beautiful in the end.


  1. ((hugs)) Has the doctor said anything about the sperm count going down? That has to be frustrating.

    Hang in there, there is still hope. Just remember you have gotten pregnant twice with no intervention, of course not a good outcome but still.....focus on the positive.

    I will be thinking about you.

  2. Hey friend,

    I just want to tell you what really hit home with me is the first paragraph of this post. That is something I've really had to work on, deal with, grieve, and accept. My sister and I were pregnant at the same time: she with her second and I with my first. I lost that baby, of course, and my nephew will turn 7 in a few weeks. His older brother is almost 9. I always thought our kids would grow up together, but that dream is over now. My family hasn't experienced the joy of a baby for so many years now. I'm sure they've gotten tired of waiting on me.

    I identify so much with what you wrote. Anyway, please know that I'm praying for you, for peace along this whole journey as well as in your job situation.