"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date"

AF came on Monday. While AF actually arriving is always a bit hard emotionally, I have to say that physically it is such a relief. I don't know how to explain it but the days leading it to AF I feel like my hormones are at war with each other. And I am caught in the middle. I get cranky, depressed, yucky feeling, and feeling like I am going to crack. On top of it, it usually takes 2-3 days from the date I first see my temperature plummet until AF comes- so their is that factor too- knowing it is about to come, and waiting and waiting.

All in all, I am realizing that AF finally coming gives me some relief, and I guess some closure to allow me to shift my hope to what lies ahead.

So what lies ahead?

I'm not sure exactly what this month will look like. I have decided that I need a break from the meds. I have gained about 5 pounds (probably emotional eating), and I have slipped from my exercise routine. And I just feel unbalanced, uncentered in life. And I just don't know if I am ready to start this all over again come Friday (CD 5) which is when I would start the meds. I considered (and actually have scheduled) an HSG, but to get the most benefit from the possible boost to our chances of getting pregnant my doctor advices TTC during the cycle of the HSG. What I haven't decided is whether TTC this month is a) medicated IUI, b) unmedicated IUI or c) trying it on our own. I could also postpone the HSG until next cycle (but I am anxious to have this done and out of the way and see if it provides any answers.)

So I don't know. I happen to have an appointment with Dr. Grass is greener on Friday which is CD5. So technically I could decide on that day to start the meds. My other question for her would be, based on my follicle history so far, could we/should we move my follicle check from CD 13 to CD 12. IF she agrees that makes sense, then it would fall on a Sunday and be MUCH easier not having to deal with work schedules.

The other factor in this is the DH had surgery this past week. It was nothing serious- a hernia repair, but a pretty extensive repair and the recovery has been slow. He has been in pain and, ummm er, it impacts the boy parts. The hernia was in the lower abdomen. But the way that they do the repair and the anatomy of the body means that, to quote his doctor, "you are going to feel like you took a blow to the nuts." So he has been swollen and sore down there. (TMI?) And of course, I am worried a little bit- hoping we didn't do anything to make all of this even more complicated with his equipment. Hernia repairs have a small chance of affecting fertility. So, I guess time will tell. I have been reading that stress or illness that affects sperm counts can be delayed several months. So does that mean that 3 months from now we could be seeing even worse counts? Gosh, I hope not. Out of my control, I know.

The other thing I have been ruminating on is the sense of time ticking away. I have written about this before, but I feel like on this TTC journey the clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I feel like the White rabbit in Alice and Wonderland- scurrying around -"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date." I feel sometimes like I missed the path I was supposed to be on for having kids, and now I am paying the price. I know that is not true. I trust (most days) that there is a plan greater then I can see and that in time I will look back and see beauty in all of this chaos. So I have been reminding myself that I am not running out of time. It isn't my biological clock that I worry about- it is the age difference between DH and I. Are age difference in the 8 years we have been together has been absolutely irrelevant. I worried for so long about dating/marrying because of our age gap, and in the end I just chuckle and shake my head thinking about all that I would have missed out on. I can't imagine not having taken the risk. Choosing to parent, with our age difference, falls along those same lines. I feel like the clock is ticking because of his age. But the reality is, I know that whether we have a child today or two years from now I am going to look back and it isn't going to matter. I need to trust that I will in time look back, shake my head and chuckle, wondering why I ever lost sleep worrying about ages and running out of time. I will look back and it will be beautiful.