Saturday, November 6, 2010

Another chapter. ?.

It feels like I am moving into a new chapter of this story. I am not sure what that means- and I am not sure if I am entering with hope or despair or indifference- or a mix of those. But it seems like there is enough shifting around in me and in life that warrants calling this the next chapter.

I have just one more session with my counselor, been working with her since Spring on letting go of the trauma of the miscarriages and the last (almost) three years of TTC. I was skeptical- I was skeptical that telling the stories over and over and over would be good for me, cause it was brutal at times. But now looking back I feel a free-ness in my spirit, a new way of carrying my story, that I am certain is contributing to this feeling of a new chapter unfolding.

I like my job, peoples. I should take an inventory of my blog to see how many rants (or raves) I have had about my job. It seems like I only rant about it. But, around the time that we had given up on IUIs and taken a break from aggressive TTC, I unexpectantly and probably reluctantly - went from part-time to full time at my job. I put my aspirations for my start-up business on hold. At the time, I grieved that decision as I was focused more on what I was sacrificing by taking that job. But 8 months later I feel like I have grown more professionally and personally in this job than anytime in the last three years. And I have reminded myself that I am (damn) good at what I do. And others think so to. So I found myself more and more focused and absorbed in my work and making plans for my future career. And I like it.

Which brings me to the question of family and what next. I have no idea whatsoever. As much as I am immersed in my career right now and not doing anything pro-active to ttc or adopt,but I think about having a family everyday. every single day. I still want it so badly. In fact, I think the desire is stronger than ever. But I am in a weird place where I am not grieving it every day but I also don't have my excel sheets and to-do lists and my calendars all mapped out actively working towards this goal. Sometimes I wonder if I have surrendered? If I am trusting in that which is outside of my control? Or Sometimes I fear it is complacency or indifference? I don't know. I just don't know.

It is nice to be in a place where I feel like I am me again- my career is on track and feeding my soul, my relationship with my husband is so rich right now. I like not being a slave to infertility and TTC plans at the moment- and yet....I want a family more than anything else. So, now what...

1 comment:

  1. I think you are in a place that you are meant to be... you aren't in TTC mode which needs so much emotional and physical energy from you.

    You aren't in 'its all hopeless' or lets shift gears and look at a different option mode, all which again take emotion and energy.

    Perhaps you are in 'rejuvenation' mode. A time where you can be happy where you are with business and get your mind and body back on track, give yourself a little time to build back up.

    I think you will know when its time to shift gears, and that time will happen, but for now its great to love what you do and feel a sense of fulfillment in that, and still have a desire and hope for your future plans.

    I suspect the next chapter will begin to write itself when it's ready. x