Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I've been reflecting on fear lately. In part from reading My so called TTC life post about fear which I could so relate and in part from my recent realization that I no longer fear toilet paper.

There is no doubt that is creeps in now and then. That old familiar voice, that feeling of panic. It appears, and disappears from time to time. Moments when I realize I haven't been paying attention to kicks from the kid and can't remember when I felt him/her last. A brief dream I had in which i was spotting in my dream. I don't entirely escape it.

But it on longer is my constant companion as I am now realizing used to be the case. Looking back, the fear during, well during ALL of this journey, was so strong and so ever present. If manifested it self differently during different phases- TTC naturally, starting IVF, waiting for the egg retrieval and transfer, waiting for results, and more results and more u/s. Getting used to the new twinges, and feelings, in my body when i was newly pregnant and fearing it all spelled catastrophe on the horizon.

My heart leaps up in to my throat occasionally when I fear the worst now, but it is usually momentary. overall, I am just so much more content and present in the now. And the more time I spend in that space, the more I realize how much fear I've lived for the recent chapters of my life. And how often I feared I would never escape the fear. And how grateful I am that it is retreating.

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