Perhaps I am naive, but I truly thought that I wouldn't have to even think about the possibility of pregnancy discrimination where I work. Sure, it crossed my mind and perhaps I believed there might be subtle discreet ways in which it would happen- but today it smacked me in the face.
My boss was fired last week. Craziness ensued. New boss put into the position that very day. FINALLY got a face to face sit down with her today (yes, HER!, and yes she is a mother), and I swear- everything she said was was straight out of the "how to get your self sued when supervising a pregnant employee." I was, and still am, aghast. In a nutshell, she tried to get me to admit that bonding with my kid was going to take priority over my career (and what was unsaid, or subtly said) was that I won't be able to focus on my career.
I also am learning in bits and pieces her vision for reorganization. And let's just say that my position is completely absent in the bits and pieces I have heard AND she plans to appoint a male from a different department to do my job. A male who I have felt like over and over has taken credit for my work.
I am just speechless and my head is a mess.
Really, I don't fuckin' care. I've complained about my job ad naseum here on the blog and I wanted out. But it feels so yucky to leave this way. I feel like it takes away from the hours I have poured into that place. It feels like I have just been shit on. I wish I could have left on my terms. I wanted to leave on my terms....
Nothing has been finalized so I don't know for sure how its going to go- but the writing is on the wall. And however it plays out, even if they pull their heads out of their butts and recognize the risk they take given my pregnancy rights and play fair, I still feel like who I am in my role there has been compromised.
It is all an ego thing. And as I sit here typing, the kid is having a party in my belly. And it pierces me to the core that I would spend even a second worrying about something as trivial as a job I don't like, never wanted, and had planned to leave. Why do I waste a single breath on something so unimportant? I am going to be a mom. Something I wanted and still want 100 fold more than this or any job. DH and I are going to be a family in a whole new way.
This job has been sucking me dry. And I do want out. But I am not sure yet if we can afford for me to walk away. I'm too scared to take the leap. But I don't want to leave as a result of feeling pushed out of the sandbox. And that is how it feels.
Sorry for the venting- I just don't know how to get out of my head and find my center again. I WANT TO BE FULLY PRESENT AND ENJOY THIS LAST WEEKS OF BEING PREGNANT AND THIS BS IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. But if feels like if I concede then I am admitting defeat. They won. And all my efforts there were wasted.
Hoping tomorrow and some serious rest brings some clarity from the emotional fog...