Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My crystal ball

I have found it to be interesting how naturally I have gravatated back to my blog as we have moved into our FET journey.  I didn't plan to be away.  I didn't plan to come back to blogging.  It just happened. 

The longer I have been on this journey of TTC, infertility, reading blogs, and blogging, the more I have come to be aware of the fact that the blog world for me is my crystal ball.  I started reading blogs 5+ years ago.  I know this because some of the bloggers I stumbled across back then's first borns are 5 years old. 

We had barely started TTC back then.  Maybe we hadn't even actually started.  But we had no  idea the path of loss and reproductive medicine that would be our road.  But I found myself reading blogs-  blogs about infertility and loss.  Why?  I don't know.  I just don't know.   Sometimes the superstitious side of me thinks that by starting to follow IF/RPL blogs I caused my own destiny.  .....  I know that is silly, but ....

But I do think that in an unconscious or subconscious way blog reading was a way to seek control for me-  it was my way of trying to see into my own crystal ball and know how my story would go.  I read blogs to feel like I could figure out what my story would look like.   

Would our IUIs work...would I get pregnant with endometriosis....would we get pregnant with low morphology...would we get pregnant after 1 miscarriage....2 miscarriages....would we get pregnant with IVF....would we stay pregnant....would we birth a live baby.....

How would my story go.....

It was futile of course.  But it, at times, gave me what I needed to hang on.

If her  IUI worked, maybe mine would, if SHE got pregnant after multiple losses, then maybe I could, if SHE had a baby after years of infertility, than maybe, just maybe that is how my story would go.....

And then I had my baby.  She is here, really here, in my arms.  And my longing to know how my story would go subsided.  The longing was fulfilled in so many ways, and I stopped wondering.

This upcoming FET has triggered that wonder again.  Wondering how this part of the story will unfold, but it is far less intense than before.  More than anything, I am finding this blog space to be a place where i can talk out loud -  I can talk about estrogen patches, and vaginal u/s, and FET transfers.  Being back in the fray, I am remembering how there just isn't space in our public lives to discuss these things.  Staff lunches, family Easter dinner, playdates at the park-  there are very few real live people that know about this FET.  It just doesn't easily come up. 

So, I blog.  I write.  I ponder how this story will go.

Lining confirmed today to be nice and plush.  Estrogen is excellent.  Transfer is a Go! for Monday.

I am excited.  I am hopeful.  I am grateful for how easy a FET is compared to a fresh.  I am grateful that I feel good.  I am beyond grateful for my pudgy, happy, smart, strong-willed toddler that fights diaper changes and drapes her arms around my shoulders and presses her face into the crook of my neck when she is exhausted at the end of the day. 

I am a little scared how I will feel if we don't get pregnant.  Or if we get pregnant and miscarry.  I feel strong.  Centered.  Resilient.  ....right now.  But it has been a long time since I have been crushed by a BFN or by the red spotting that predicts the end.  I don't want to feel that again. I just don't.

1 comment:

  1. Best of luck... not that I believe it's luck. Isn't it funny how our own plans for ourselves are never as good as what is to be? I found my second pregnancy to be much more relaxed. Hope you find yourself in that position too ; )