Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Tomorrow I will know...whether I want to or not.

I don't want to be in limbo anymore.  The not knowing it hard.

But I don't want to face the truth either.

Wish I could fast forward to tomorrow.  And if the answer is a Negative, I wish I could fast forward in time until it no longer hurts. 

I have POAS twice now.  I said I wasn't going to until Wednesday morning.  But I caved.  It was compulsive really-  I didn't even stop to think about it.

Monday afternoon, 7dp5dt, after an impromptu nap-  I got up, unwrapped an expired test from my drawer and peed. Didn't even think twice.  It was negative.  But i could handle it because I intentionally peed on an expired stick and it was afternoon pee, not morning pee.  So, it allowed me to keep hoping, while still getting my POAS stick fix.

Tuesday morning 8dp5dt,, with my addiction in full force, I peed on a brand new FRER with morning pee.

Sigh.  I think it is negative.  Although, it was very very reminiscent of two years ago with this episode of 8dp5dt.  Maybe there was an invisible line?  Maybe?  But so freakin' hard to tell.  I swear I was making it up, wishing it into a hallucination of a line.

Sigh, ...

My back hurts, my boobs feel full, I feel bloaty, and very very cranky.  Which I know well enough to know it means nothing-  it merely means I am a hormonal mess.  Which I am.  I just don't know WHICH hormones are causing the mess....the progesterone suppositories and estrogen patches, or pregnancy hormones.


I am afraid to find out tomorrow. 

I don't like this.

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