The d&c was yesterday. This is not new territory for me unfortunately, this was my second d&C.
Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage.
This is not how I thought life would look.
Today, I am feeling okay surprisingly- psychically and emotionally, at least I think I am feeling fine. But I know now from experience that grief seems to rear its head at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.
Today, I imagine I am mostly grateful to have the d&c behind me, and no longer be in that kind of limbo. But a new limbo sets in. Answering "what next?" is daunting. Paralysis sets in if I even let my mind wander there.
I don't know what next....
I have no energy right now to try to get pregnant again. The waiting is brutal. And I feel that is all I have been doing for the past year. Waiting for period to start, waiting and guessing about peak ovulating time for timing sex, waiting to POAS, waiting for first sign of pregnancy symptoms, waiting for the first ultrasound, and then waiting for the miscarriage to come.
It is also hard to have energy when I don't have any answers? Why two miscarriages? Fluke? Underlying problem?
Adoption is a part of our journey as well. But even that, I just feel plain tired. I need time. i need to find some peace in my soul first before I can continue pushing paperwork.
And to be honest, I want to reclaim my body again. I have gained at least 10 pounds (half just before I got pregnant and half since I got pregnant). I stopped exercising regularly in December. I want to feel healthy again. And yet that could take a while.... and I just don't feel like I have a while to wait.
And so it goes, once again I am reminded how little control I have in the detours of life. Not sure what this road will look like........... I am tired of the bumps, though. that is for sure.
(Story From the beginning)
Hi there...
ReplyDeleteI haven't read that book.. but it sounds like one I should look into.
I read over your blog today, and my heart aches for you. I'm not even sure what to say- I pray that God will bless you beyond your expectations, and that He will give you peace... ~LM.
Here from LFCA..I'm sorry you are in this place of such immense hurt and anguish. I'm praying for you and I'm sending you a lot of hugs and peace.
ReplyDeleteI found you on LM's blog (Dancin' in the Rain). I've been reading your story today. I'm so sorry for your losses, and the especially hard weekend you've had with the D&C and the anniversary. This is such a hard road to walk every single day, but I know that some days are particularly sorrowful.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers.
Sending you peace & warmth. Take however long you need to heal.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
I never miscarried but I do understand the need to reclaim your body. I did that and it did help me a lot emotionally and physically. It was hard taking a "break" b/c I wanted to plow ahead. But it did tons of good.
ReplyDelete