Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How I will spend my summer

I still thankfully feel like I am keeping my head above water, and breathing these days. Had a few days of feeling a bit weepy, but i rolled with it and it has pulled me down. After this last miscarriage, i know I buried my head in the sand and didn't allow myself to grieve or feel the impact of it. And I KNEW that would come back to bite me, and it is and has. I know my grief is sticking with me and pummeling me harder because I buried it earlier on. And so it goes...

I think the grief is bubbling up because the season is changing. Summer is here, and I am reminded of how I had thought things would be, remembered all the milestones I had mapped out in my head. AND we are flying home to visit family for the week- my baby sister, too young in my opinion to be having a baby, found out she was pregnant the week I found out I was having my first miscarriage last year. Her beautiful little girl, by precious niece, is 7 months old. And my heart breaks a little bit to think of what should have been.... My lil' one would have just turned 8 months old. Or, my belly should have been 5 months along. Neither of these have come to be. Time passes, my niece gets bigger and bigger, and everything is the same for me. That's the center of the grief.

I shed a few tears spontaneously this week and the husband gave me a strong embrace. And I talked about how as much as I was trying to be strong, I was little pissed that as soon as I wrapped my head around finally getting help from an RE, then the timing has conspired against us so that for the next three ovulations we will be out of town. No iuis until Fall. And he reminded me, that this summer isn't filled with meaningless business. Everything we will be doing was intentionally chosen to fit with our values, what we believe in and how we want to spend our summer. There is nothing to regret- we are living our summer to the fullest, and we shouldn't put any of that aside to fit in an iui. Rather, we keep living life to the fullest, and trust the timing will work out- not in our way or in our timing, but it a way that is at it should be. And I found some peace in his reminder (I had given hubby this same advise last week when he was crabby over feeling overbooked, and I reminded him that we choose these things for our schedule because of who we are and what is important to us). This paradigm shift is helping both of us.

This summer is just how I want it to be. Time with family, volunteering for causes that matter to us, time with friends, and working towards some of my lifelong dreams. It is true, I do not have an 8 month old, and I have not joined the club of having a growing belly, but my summer will be and IS still full of life giving pursuits.


  1. I have to remind myself constantly to live life, and not schedule everything aroung getting pregnant or IF I am pregnant. I just don't want to look back at this wonderful time in me and J's life and have nothing but TTC to show for it. Its hard though. I am glad that you still feel like your summer is full of life giving pursuits.


  2. I agree. It is all too easy to get lost in the TTC emotions and loss so much that it interferes with times in our life that should be happy.

    I feel like I have lost so much life due to grieving and depression.

    I'm still having trouble myself.

    I really hope you enjoy this summer for all it's worth! Will you still be blogging?

    I am being referred to RE for IUI, just waiting on insurance approval. I have you to thank for that. I wasn't sure what my next move was going to be until I read your post and I just sat back and said "That makes so much sense!"

  3. I’ve given you the Honest Scrap award. Thanks for your honest and encouraging blogs! ~LM

  4. I struggle so much with the passage of time. Every time the seasons change or a new year begins, and especially as I watch my nephews get older and older (they are now 8 and 6) I start to feel waves of panic about being stuck in the same place. It is very hard.
    I understand how you feel there, but I am so glad that you've made up your mind to do some living while you wait. I hope you have a joyful and productive summer. Enjoy it!

  5. It's especially hard to deal with the passage of time after a m/c when there's a child in your life that you can compare with. And someone's baby always seems to have been born when yours should have been.

    I'm glad to hear you're letting yourself grieve now. I know how easy it is to smother the feelings, because there just comes a time where you're so tired of crying....