More info means answers?

Amazing how two weeks can go by, and no posts to my blog. Slacking.

Not sure where I have been. I feel like the grief has been a really thick, dark cloud this time. Worse than I was prepared for. Longer than I was bracing for. Sigh. I just feel an emptiness in me. And to be honest, I probably don't have much grace for myself and the process. I am disappointed and frustrated in myself that I could possibly still be paralyzed by grief. Which I know is silly. Grace is all I need right now, to honor that I am still hurting, and let it be, rather than fighting the fact that I am grieving.

But I wish I understood why it cuts so deep....

Its been a full week in our household. All over the place emotionally.

We met with an RE for the first time this week. Not sure what I think yet. The appointment was just yesterday, and I am struggling to process what I think and feel about it. Here are bullet points:

What was good about it:
- My husband learned about what I already knew about from many years of reading fellow bloggers and other literature about infertility and options. Good to be on the same page, and him hear it from an "expert."
- If, by some miracle, I get pregnant again, I can get my beta and an ultrasound right away with the RE (my OB/GYN follows the "wait until 9-10 weeks" policy)
- Husband walked away pretty enthused about IUIs after he learned about our options. Kind of surprised me, but also put me at ease a bit. He is really new to all this infertility lingo, and skeptical, but he is willing and ready to do an IUI asap.

So-so aspects:
- I think I expected some ah-ha moments, lightening, revelations. But I actually knew about 90% of what she talked about. (Good for husband, a review for me)
- There really aren't answers. Just more tests. Tests that may not give any answers. And I am still so ambivalent about all this.
- The doc was young and newer to the practice than I had expected. That can be good or bad, it just wasn't' my expectation.

What next? Well, I am leaning towards a Day 3 blood test & ultrasound and IUI with clomid. We know husband has borderline morphology and motility, but good counts. But we also know I have gotten pregnant twice. Could still be my egg quality. no answers.

We don't see ourselves choosing to spend out of pocket for IVF. I just can't do it without some guarantees. Which we know don't exist.

I was an egg donor 5 years ago (ironies abound), so the doc is going to dig to see what records we can find so save me from tests (did I have a karyotype (spelling?) test? did the recipient conceive successfully?)

I am supposed to check to see if, even though my insurance won't cover a diagnosis code of "infertile" if they will cover a code of "recurrent loss." doubtful, but its one more try.

If i emerge from my ambivalence, we can choose to do an IUI on my next cycle. My period is due to arrive in about 5 days. I'm giving it the weekend to think about it.....

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It's been a week of appointments with doctors. We also had our first appointment with the doc who is taking over my husband's post-cancer follow up care. Our doc of three years left the practice. I didn't realize how vulnerable i felt starting over with a new doctor. It brought back so many emotions and fears. Of what we went through to be where we are at today. I welled up with love all over again for him. And guilt, for how I have been so much less of a wife lately to him than he deserves. My grief has made me bitchy. how quickly I forget how close I came to losing him. And then I am a bitch because I want more- I want a child with him.

I also did more internet reading (bad, bad thing) about the chemo drugs husband was on three years ago. Sure enough, one is possibly linked to poor morphology. Sigh. More grief of what we lost in the process. Maybe that isn't the culprit, but you can't help but wonder. And then the cycle of guilt returns- how in the world can I be angry at curtly tailed sperm, when in the end I still have him in my life?

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I probably need to work on bloggin on the good days, but for now this is my safe, dumping place. So, it is my place I unpack the turmoil in side of me. Thanks for reading a long.