Thoughts on the infamous "The Club"
You know what has been shocking for me? "The Club," the club i longed to be a part of for so long, the mother-to-be/motherhood club?
It exists. It is live and well.
I think I had started to convince myself that maybe it didn't REALLY exsist, you know "grass is always greener" type thing. For years, I felt like an outsider, not a member of the mommy club. And it hurt so damn much. Even when I don't think the exclusion was at all intentional. But I think I started to believe that in my longing, I had made "The Club" to be more powerful, glamorous, more REAL, in my head and heart than it really was. Turns out it is just as real, and powerful as I imagined. And being part of "it" has me on a roller coaster of emotions that I have yet to fully unpack.
The women at the cell phone store, the cashier at the department store, the stranger in the PUB with her dog. All who were 1st trimester pregnant but not quite showing. All who beamed at the news when my husband shared our news in casual conversation- and like that, I was part of the club, this connection with utter strangers. They wanted to tell me all their inner most thoughts and talk baby and pregnancy non-stop, and carried on as if we were long lost friends. Co-workers who rarely connected with me before now go out of their way to ask about the kid, share stories, commiserate. They are sincerely interested in how I am feeling, what plans we have been making, if we have names picked out. The other wives at the church fellowship potluck wanted to know all the details of getting pregnant- like was it planned? (insert rolling of the eyes, oh if they only knew) how did I break the news to DH?, where will I deliver? And the list goes on.
I don't know how to deal with being now part of this "club." I am an infertile at heart. And as the "club" seeks to draw me into its membership I find myself diggin in my heals and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "you don't know how many watchful eyes right now are experiencing heartbreak right now, watching as they get left behind, and left out once again, and I am being welcomed in." I want to stand in front of the jury and make my case for why I am NOT really worthy to be part of the club, why I am an impostor.
....and yet.....and yet I am also completely humbled by compassion of fellow humanity, friend and stranger alike, and this celebration that happens when new life is expected. What gets me the most, is the sincerity of the other "club" members. The strangers in the retail stores, my previously aloof co-workers, Dh's manly man friends, are all in awe of the life that being formed within me.
And it is a good reminder to my infertile self- that there is no doubt that is a miracle to be celebrated. One in which I am experiencing, I am living out, each day- and I don't want to take a second of it, or their compassion, for granted.