A thought crossed my mind last week that I can honestly stay I have never thought before.
I have always considered growing our family through pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting. Lots of paths were and are being considered. But until last week, it had never crossed my mind the idea of never having kids....
Just me and husband.
Last week, it was added to the options-
Multiple choice question:
a) get pregnant
c) just me and husband for life
My heart is sad just even typing that. You see, I came to the place by this past weekend, that option c was eliminated.
Before this past week, it had never crosses my mind. I got to wondering why now, what prompted the refection of this new option for the first time. Well, I don't know for sure, but I think it had to do with my two doctor appts- my Ob/gyn and my naturopath. They are health care providers I trust, have a good relationship with, and generally like. Furthermore I consider(ed?) them well rounded grounded people. And yikes! I can't believe the conversations I had with them about adoption. Trust me, I know adoption is not with out risk and challenges. (either is IVF, pregnancy, birth, life in general). My husband is adopted, as are my two sisters. And you know what? Bottom line- I wouldn't have it any other way. I VALUE THE GIFT THAT ADOPTION IS AND HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE AND IN MY FAMILY. I will not let two doctors with grossly misinformed ideas sway me to consider not taking ANY risks in growing our family.
I have never sought out the "easy" route in life. Life is risk, challenge, joy and heartache. But after a second d&c, two doctors lecturing on the "baggage" that comes with adopted kids, I longed for "easy." I wanted a safe, comfortable path to parenting. I wanted answers. I wanted to not have to trust in a power greater than I.
but it is not happening- no matter which path we choose (or are led on). It will not be neatly packaged in a box. And I am okay with that. And every morning when I wake up next to my husband, I am reminded of this truth. We were "just friends" for many years before our first date. And even our journey from dating, to engaged, to marriage was very slow. We were afraid to jump. We were afraid of what our 18 year age difference would mean. What others would think. What would happen in the future. But today as we approach our 4 year wedding anniversary, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't smile and gently chuckle at the fear that almost kept us from taking the leap. Cuz frankly, it has been the best leap of faith I have ever experienced. And nothing about it has been packaged neatly in a box.
my prayer is that I trust enough to leap again...
I WILL be a parent, and it will be beautiful.