Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When to fight and when to surrender

I want clarity. I feel like I am a little girl on a playground, looking to the sky, spinning in circles. I am getting dizzy. I am tired.

I want a lightening bolt to wap me upside the head and tell me what direction to go, to guide my path. to make it all clear.

I don't want to feel stuck in the mud anymore. I want a crisp, sunny day, with blue skies. Or at least I want to feel like a crisp, sunny day. It feels grey and overcast. My head feels full of mud.

I believe without a doubt that there has been divine moments in my life when the clarity has been there. When I decided to leave my profession of 10 years and go back to school to get my master's and change degrees, - I just knew. I can recall going to the 8am worship service and as I kneeled for communion that morning there was a gentle, but confident "go". It wasn't a voice. But is was. It was an knowing of my spirit. An urge. A confirmation. And when my faith in the journey wavered as the pieces came together and follow this "tug", I found comfort and steadfastnest in that split second of "knowing" I had as I briefly kneeled to receive communion. Sure I had been toying with the idea of going back to school already. Sure I had been looking. But that Sunday, I just knew. And I was at peace.

As I typed the word peace just now, the tears started to well up. I am not at peace. I desperately want to kneel at the altar again and just know. i want to know that this is all going to be okay. i want to know that spirit within that called me to grad school will challenge me to action and give me peace once again. We had started applying to adopt from Ethiopia- it sits unfinished, untouched. Hubby tried to have a semen test last Friday. It didn't happen (post for another day). I want children now, and yet I am not doing anything to make it happen. I have read blogs, websites, filtered wanted and unwanted advice. But right now, I am at a loss where to step. I am sick of options. I do not know which way to go. I feel all in my head. I can not see the path in front of me....

And I find myself asking- when do you know when it is time to push forward? To fight to make it happen? And when is it time to patiently wait and trust?

I don't have either in me. I don't have the energy to fight and I don't have the peace or patience to wait. I am tired of both. I don't like the word "fight". I dont like the imagery of "fighting" to make parenting a reality. Sometimes though I feel like it is a battle, uphill and hard all the way. Hoops, tests, standing your ground, pushing to see the doc you want to see, demanding that paperwork for the homestudy get completed on time, braving the bureaucracy, insisting on what is best for you..and your family. Struggle.

Are we called to push through the struggle at times?

Or am i supposed to be at peace and trust how things will unfold?

My spirit is tired...

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I appreciate your kindness and support so much.

    I get what you're saying here. It IS a struggle. I use that word a lot when I talk about it. Everything about it is a struggle. It's so hard to want to be a parent so badly right now, but not know which path to take or what step comes next. It's like you want so desperately to move ahead but your feet are stuck. And it is hard to know whether to move at all or whether to wait.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you will soon have some clarity and some peace about what to do.