Oy

I am on day of being fully full-time at my job after my job share colleague took a long leave of absence.

Oy- the job is exponentially expanding by the day. I'll admit I like the distraction for now. But I also second guess the decision some days. Time will tell I guess. I just keep telling myself it is only temporary.

A child meant for me

Do I trust that God has a plan for us? for me? for my future family?

I have no idea.

I know that the "correct" answer as a person of faith is "yes, absolutely." And I know that there have been many paths in my life that have unfolded in ways that have been beyond human understanding (let alone planning). So I have seen this before in life. But, I just can't find that I can connect with this beleif again.

Do I trust that there is a child for me? And that someday I will look that child in the eyes and see the grace of God's timing.

I have no idea.

I know it would be easier if I trusted in that. I know that I would be less filled with angst, if I could just let myself beleive in that.

But I struggle to trust. I struggle to beleive that there is a divine plan in this path to parenthood.

It feels very human, and not very divine. It feels as if I am pushing this path along, but then it also feels like I am unengaged when I do nothing.

Direction

My third and final IUI was New years eve day. BFN to follow in mid-january, and my last test and consultation with the RE was also in mid-January. We have done nothing since then. Two cycles (soon to be three) of doing nothing- nothing with the RE and nothing in the bedroom. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I have either intentionally avoided DH during peak window of ovulation each cycle or we have just not connected out of busyness or exhaustion. It has been nice to know that without a doubt, AF will be coming. It has been nice to not wonder "what if" each cycle. But I feel hollow. Indifferent. Conflicted.

I wonder if I have lost the energy to keep pushing. I want it to just happen on its own. ha! What a ludicrous thought.

I wonder if the energy will ever return. I guess I have just lost the hope that doing it the natural way will ever result in a lasting pregnancy. And I am losing hope that we will ever save enough for IVF. Life expenses keeping coming out of nowhere as much as we are really intentional about budgeting and saving. I feel the hope being squeezed out of our savings account, and my spirit.

I even wonder, more frequently than I care to admit, I wonder if I still even know what I want. I wonder if I still even truly desire to be pregnant. I see the pain (emotional and physical) and exhaustion of my dear friend who just had a baby (more on this later), and I am reminded that even the end result of this desire is not the "amazing birth experience". I feel so far away from that innocent longing to be a mom that I once felt. I wonder if I am even capable of every feeling joy again if a BFP were to happen.

I am not sure why this is just a downer post today. More than anything I just feel, as I said hollow and indifferent. I don't hurt and I am glad about that, but I don't feel joy, excitement, and hope either.

I also am feeling like I can only invest the bulk of my drive and energy in one part of my life. In the past two years and three months that has been in TTC (well, and healing and grieving from loss associated with this). I am feeling like the cost is too great to continue to invest exclusively in TTC. There is just too much potential for more loss and brutal disappointment.

But then I ask myself, so what is the alternative? Give up on TTC? Give my desire over to God? (I have so much baggage associated with that phrase.) Do I plunge head first into my career, furthering my own business and "just relax"? I don't know... I am feeling paralysis in some many areas of my life right now.

Grrr... my post is saturated with more layers of frustration and angst than I realized. I might have to leave this with an unpolished ending for now... cuz I just don't know where to go with this.

3 days old

I held a baby today. 3 days old and oh so perfect.

And I didn't feel hatred towards him.

Now isn't that a twisted thing to say?

I have admitted here on my blog, that there have been times when I have seen the BFP announcement from yet another fertile friend on FB or when I have caught a plump pregnant belly pass in front of me that a wave of hatred flows through me. As much as I would like to find a softer nicer word than hatred, I would be less than honest if I chose any other word. That is the emotion that has sears through me. It doesn't last, and I feel like it isn't me. I don't know where it comes from. And yet I do- it comes from the darkest places, the places even darker than grief and loss.

So today, when I went over after work to meet my dear friends' new baby- I braced myself for this emotion. Of envy, of disdain, of hatred, of brokenness. But it never came-

All I felt was love. Pure love. For this new life. For my friends who I love so dearly. I felt a softness in my heart that I don't feel too often these days when it comes to pregnancy and baby topics.

Maybe this is what healing looks like.

Welcome to the world Baby W.

Push through or close the door?

We have two emails in our inbox right now from our homestudy social worker and our adoption agency. They want to know what we are doing with the adoption process we started 2 years ago.

And I just don't know.

We keep avoiding their emails. I feel so conflicted about where I am in the healing process, that I don't feel like I can move forward with adoption. And yet I used to want this so badly. I remember DH and I doing lots and lots of research only to find ourselves in tears while we were going through the webinar in which we learned about adopting from Ethipia. And we had the sense that this was right for us. We both just new it was right. Two years, two miscarriages and a unattentive social worker and we are stuck.

I feel like I am lacking the healing and the wholeness to be able to open my arms to adding to my family through adoption. And I feel like such a failure for feeling that way. It feels like such an awful thing to say. My sisters came to our family through adoption. My husband to his parents through adoption. And we have always talked about how much we have valued that this is what we have known of what "family" is. This is who we are! Why, why am I feeling so blocked emotionally?

Do we just walk away from the adoption process we have started? Do I just fight through the emotional paralysis knowing that the process is a long process and trust that healing will come in time? Usually I feel like I can play through the different scenarios in my head and decide which decision will bring me peace, and I honestly don't feel like I can live with either answer. I don't feel like I have it in me to finish the paper work pushing and commit to moving forward adopting from ethiopia and I don't feel like I will be at peace closing this door.

Healing

I wonder sometimes what healing will look like. Will it come? When? And when it does, will I recognize it immediately? Will it come in a flash, with a lot of hoopla, or will it come slowly, over time.

Will it be physical healing? Emotional? Spiritual healing? All of the above?

I long for physical healing. I do. I want to be the couple who "just relaxed" (yes, that phrase causes me to cringe even when I am the one to type it) and the miracle comes. I want to save up our hard earned pennies for IVF, only to not need it at the last minute it'll happen on its own. I want my physical health to be balance, to feel strong and well, in order to support a life within me. I want physical healing.

I also want emotional healing. this is the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of our 2nd d&c. And AF is just around the corner, so PMS is in full force. So the wave of grief is strong. It takes my breath away sometimes. I have to stop and remind myself that I am healing emotionally over time, and that there are ebbs and flows to the grief. Otherwise, it is easy to start to wonder if I am indeed healing at all. I know I am, but I wonder what it will look like around the corner. Will the emotional healing come, even if I never heal physically?

I spend most of my time thinking about these two types of healing- physical and emotional. I think about how to plan my calendar and time with DH around just the right peak cycle time. I think about what it will be like to finally hold a child in my hands and be beyond all of this. And sometimes I think that these two areas of healing are all I want, are all I need.

But most of all, I want healing on a soul level. Wholeness. I know on a head and heart level that this type of healing will superpass any peace that would come from any other type of healing. This is what I want. I want that peace that passes all understanding. I want to be able to trust in the Love that is bigger than all of this, that is at work in a way I may never fully understand. I want this healing more than any of it.

I'm not finished

Last year, after our second miscarriage, we were right in the heart of Lent. I wrote about a devotional letter that the bishop of our church wrote. As we have entered the season of Lenten once again- I have found myself thinking back to that post. And his words are just as profound to me this year, as they were last year. More often than not, I feel like the language of faith and the way we talk about God and Jesus in church misses the mark for me. Something is either missing, or there is some sort of disconnect with how faith is articulated compared to how faith is experienced for me. But this- this is for me the essence of it:

*When Mary Magdalene, Mary and Salome came to the tomb, their hopes and fears intersected. They wondered aloud about the impossibly large and heavy stone that presented an obstacle to their immediate plans. Worse, what they thought lay behind the stone was unspeakably devastating. Jesus, who embodied the hope of God's promise in a fully human life, was not simply dead, but crucified -- executed in the most extreme humiliation, a savage mockery of the hope that had lived with him.

everything about our journey of trying to create a family, and how devasting it has been, for something that should have been so beautiful. The barriers feel impossibly large. And I am terrified what lays behind the rock, if we were to overcome it.

And then..the unimaginable, the unexpected, the start of an entirely new story, and the continuation of a story that started at the beginning of time...

But the stone was gone, the grave empty. Where they had expected to hear the silence of death's mockery, they were met by an astonishing message that the crucified one was raised from the dead, that their hope was victorious over humiliation, and that Jesus lives and is leading the way into an unexpected, surprising future with God.

I am at a loss as to where this path is taking me right now in life. I am struggling with the issues of my contract at work, I am struggling with the need to make the most responsible decisions in terms of our finances, and yet wanting to live out my calling in my career and wanting to have a family. And I fear the rocks that are in the way are immovable.

And yet He says, But remember my child, I am not finished yet with this story. Come write with me...

*Click here for the full text of the letter

Dump

Random thoughts dumped into this post in no particular order:

This week, I think I'd rather be a kid, than a grown up. Too many grown up things to fret about. Too many grown up decisions to make. Too many times I just want to crawl under the covers and stay in bed.

The modified contract at my work, from Part-time to FT didn't look how I had been told it would look. There are some minor major things, if that makes sense, that have caused me to rethink this offer. I had an appointment with HR today to sign it, and I asked for more time. The thing is- I have NO idea what will happen if I don't sign it. It is possible that by NOT accepting the FT contract, I would also lose my PT job. I'm fretting.

And to be honest- I just think I need to be honest about the fact that during the month of March each year, there is just not going to be anything I like. Subconscious grieving most likely at work this week. Too many anniversaries. I feel like I am dragging.

I have 4 blog posts saved in my drafts- started and never finished. Been having trouble what to say. Tired of..., I guess just tired. Tired of saying I am tired. Trying to have grace for myself that I know this too will pass. I won't grieve forever. I know it comes and goes.

I'm leaving the church I have worshipped at for the past 11 years. I don't know what "leaving" means. Maybe just a break, maybe permanently. I have been struggling for a while- and when I started dreading Sundays, I knew something had to give. I went to another church service this past week. I am remembering how hard it is to "church shop." Especially after 11 years at the same place. But hoping I can find a safe place to heal some of my hurts, and find a faith community that shares my values.