We have two emails in our inbox right now from our homestudy social worker and our adoption agency. They want to know what we are doing with the adoption process we started 2 years ago.
And I just don't know.
We keep avoiding their emails. I feel so conflicted about where I am in the healing process, that I don't feel like I can move forward with adoption. And yet I used to want this so badly. I remember DH and I doing lots and lots of research only to find ourselves in tears while we were going through the webinar in which we learned about adopting from Ethipia. And we had the sense that this was right for us. We both just new it was right. Two years, two miscarriages and a unattentive social worker and we are stuck.
I feel like I am lacking the healing and the wholeness to be able to open my arms to adding to my family through adoption. And I feel like such a failure for feeling that way. It feels like such an awful thing to say. My sisters came to our family through adoption. My husband to his parents through adoption. And we have always talked about how much we have valued that this is what we have known of what "family" is. This is who we are! Why, why am I feeling so blocked emotionally?
Do we just walk away from the adoption process we have started? Do I just fight through the emotional paralysis knowing that the process is a long process and trust that healing will come in time? Usually I feel like I can play through the different scenarios in my head and decide which decision will bring me peace, and I honestly don't feel like I can live with either answer. I don't feel like I have it in me to finish the paper work pushing and commit to moving forward adopting from ethiopia and I don't feel like I will be at peace closing this door.