Sunday, March 14, 2010


I wonder sometimes what healing will look like. Will it come? When? And when it does, will I recognize it immediately? Will it come in a flash, with a lot of hoopla, or will it come slowly, over time.

Will it be physical healing? Emotional? Spiritual healing? All of the above?

I long for physical healing. I do. I want to be the couple who "just relaxed" (yes, that phrase causes me to cringe even when I am the one to type it) and the miracle comes. I want to save up our hard earned pennies for IVF, only to not need it at the last minute it'll happen on its own. I want my physical health to be balance, to feel strong and well, in order to support a life within me. I want physical healing.

I also want emotional healing. this is the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of our 2nd d&c. And AF is just around the corner, so PMS is in full force. So the wave of grief is strong. It takes my breath away sometimes. I have to stop and remind myself that I am healing emotionally over time, and that there are ebbs and flows to the grief. Otherwise, it is easy to start to wonder if I am indeed healing at all. I know I am, but I wonder what it will look like around the corner. Will the emotional healing come, even if I never heal physically?

I spend most of my time thinking about these two types of healing- physical and emotional. I think about how to plan my calendar and time with DH around just the right peak cycle time. I think about what it will be like to finally hold a child in my hands and be beyond all of this. And sometimes I think that these two areas of healing are all I want, are all I need.

But most of all, I want healing on a soul level. Wholeness. I know on a head and heart level that this type of healing will superpass any peace that would come from any other type of healing. This is what I want. I want that peace that passes all understanding. I want to be able to trust in the Love that is bigger than all of this, that is at work in a way I may never fully understand. I want this healing more than any of it.


  1. Oh my, I could have written this post myself...suppose I just did, mere minutes ago. I titled my post "Letting GO".

    I echo all those thoughts on so many levels and I pray for you and I pray for me to know that physical and emotional healing. Very soon.


  2. I know what you mean. That is so hard to achieve when you have been through so much. My second m/c anniversay is coming up too. :(. I would have had 2 babies by now.

    It is impossible to relax when you have been trying for so long. That is the one thing we "wish" we could do but it never happens.

  3. I am so, so sorry about the painful memories surrounding this time of year for you. Healing will be the new topic of my prayers for you. I understand that desperate cry for healing from the Lord. Thinking of you often, my friend.