I wonder sometimes what healing will look like. Will it come? When? And when it does, will I recognize it immediately? Will it come in a flash, with a lot of hoopla, or will it come slowly, over time.
Will it be physical healing? Emotional? Spiritual healing? All of the above?
I long for physical healing. I do. I want to be the couple who "just relaxed" (yes, that phrase causes me to cringe even when I am the one to type it) and the miracle comes. I want to save up our hard earned pennies for IVF, only to not need it at the last minute it'll happen on its own. I want my physical health to be balance, to feel strong and well, in order to support a life within me. I want physical healing.
I also want emotional healing. this is the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of our 2nd d&c. And AF is just around the corner, so PMS is in full force. So the wave of grief is strong. It takes my breath away sometimes. I have to stop and remind myself that I am healing emotionally over time, and that there are ebbs and flows to the grief. Otherwise, it is easy to start to wonder if I am indeed healing at all. I know I am, but I wonder what it will look like around the corner. Will the emotional healing come, even if I never heal physically?
I spend most of my time thinking about these two types of healing- physical and emotional. I think about how to plan my calendar and time with DH around just the right peak cycle time. I think about what it will be like to finally hold a child in my hands and be beyond all of this. And sometimes I think that these two areas of healing are all I want, are all I need.
But most of all, I want healing on a soul level. Wholeness. I know on a head and heart level that this type of healing will superpass any peace that would come from any other type of healing. This is what I want. I want that peace that passes all understanding. I want to be able to trust in the Love that is bigger than all of this, that is at work in a way I may never fully understand. I want this healing more than any of it.