I held a baby today. 3 days old and oh so perfect.
And I didn't feel hatred towards him.
Now isn't that a twisted thing to say?
I have admitted here on my blog, that there have been times when I have seen the BFP announcement from yet another fertile friend on FB or when I have caught a plump pregnant belly pass in front of me that a wave of hatred flows through me. As much as I would like to find a softer nicer word than hatred, I would be less than honest if I chose any other word. That is the emotion that has sears through me. It doesn't last, and I feel like it isn't me. I don't know where it comes from. And yet I do- it comes from the darkest places, the places even darker than grief and loss.
So today, when I went over after work to meet my dear friends' new baby- I braced myself for this emotion. Of envy, of disdain, of hatred, of brokenness. But it never came-
All I felt was love. Pure love. For this new life. For my friends who I love so dearly. I felt a softness in my heart that I don't feel too often these days when it comes to pregnancy and baby topics.
Maybe this is what healing looks like.
Welcome to the world Baby W.