Monday, March 15, 2010

3 days old

I held a baby today. 3 days old and oh so perfect.

And I didn't feel hatred towards him.

Now isn't that a twisted thing to say?

I have admitted here on my blog, that there have been times when I have seen the BFP announcement from yet another fertile friend on FB or when I have caught a plump pregnant belly pass in front of me that a wave of hatred flows through me. As much as I would like to find a softer nicer word than hatred, I would be less than honest if I chose any other word. That is the emotion that has sears through me. It doesn't last, and I feel like it isn't me. I don't know where it comes from. And yet I do- it comes from the darkest places, the places even darker than grief and loss.

So today, when I went over after work to meet my dear friends' new baby- I braced myself for this emotion. Of envy, of disdain, of hatred, of brokenness. But it never came-

All I felt was love. Pure love. For this new life. For my friends who I love so dearly. I felt a softness in my heart that I don't feel too often these days when it comes to pregnancy and baby topics.

Maybe this is what healing looks like.

Welcome to the world Baby W.


  1. Aww, so sweet. I understand. It is difficult to see, hear, and talk about pregnancy and babies, so hard.

    I put quite a few people, even family members, on hide on FB.

    I had a step sister and a cousin pregnant the same time I was this time last year except I lost mine for the second time and of course they didn't. It is so hard to swallow still.

  2. Before I got to the end of this post, I thought, "This sounds like a huge first step in the direction of healing." This is definitely progress!

    I think we protect ourselves and our hearts against the pain we associate with pregnancy and babies (which is totally understandable and I think necessary) but it can sometimes turn into bitterness and hatred toward new life... which made me so sad when I recognized that in myself. I think you are doing great. Thanks for being so honest!

  3. It took us 2 long and frustrating years to conceive and I remember those same emotions. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and I'm glad that you were able to find happiness for you friend.