I held a baby today. 3 days old and oh so perfect.
And I didn't feel hatred towards him.
Now isn't that a twisted thing to say?
I have admitted here on my blog, that there have been times when I have seen the BFP announcement from yet another fertile friend on FB or when I have caught a plump pregnant belly pass in front of me that a wave of hatred flows through me. As much as I would like to find a softer nicer word than hatred, I would be less than honest if I chose any other word. That is the emotion that has sears through me. It doesn't last, and I feel like it isn't me. I don't know where it comes from. And yet I do- it comes from the darkest places, the places even darker than grief and loss.
So today, when I went over after work to meet my dear friends' new baby- I braced myself for this emotion. Of envy, of disdain, of hatred, of brokenness. But it never came-
All I felt was love. Pure love. For this new life. For my friends who I love so dearly. I felt a softness in my heart that I don't feel too often these days when it comes to pregnancy and baby topics.
Maybe this is what healing looks like.
Welcome to the world Baby W.
Aww, so sweet. I understand. It is difficult to see, hear, and talk about pregnancy and babies, so hard.
ReplyDeleteI put quite a few people, even family members, on hide on FB.
I had a step sister and a cousin pregnant the same time I was this time last year except I lost mine for the second time and of course they didn't. It is so hard to swallow still.
Before I got to the end of this post, I thought, "This sounds like a huge first step in the direction of healing." This is definitely progress!
ReplyDeleteI think we protect ourselves and our hearts against the pain we associate with pregnancy and babies (which is totally understandable and I think necessary) but it can sometimes turn into bitterness and hatred toward new life... which made me so sad when I recognized that in myself. I think you are doing great. Thanks for being so honest!
It took us 2 long and frustrating years to conceive and I remember those same emotions. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and I'm glad that you were able to find happiness for you friend.
ReplyDelete