Direction

My third and final IUI was New years eve day. BFN to follow in mid-january, and my last test and consultation with the RE was also in mid-January. We have done nothing since then. Two cycles (soon to be three) of doing nothing- nothing with the RE and nothing in the bedroom. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I have either intentionally avoided DH during peak window of ovulation each cycle or we have just not connected out of busyness or exhaustion. It has been nice to know that without a doubt, AF will be coming. It has been nice to not wonder "what if" each cycle. But I feel hollow. Indifferent. Conflicted.

I wonder if I have lost the energy to keep pushing. I want it to just happen on its own. ha! What a ludicrous thought.

I wonder if the energy will ever return. I guess I have just lost the hope that doing it the natural way will ever result in a lasting pregnancy. And I am losing hope that we will ever save enough for IVF. Life expenses keeping coming out of nowhere as much as we are really intentional about budgeting and saving. I feel the hope being squeezed out of our savings account, and my spirit.

I even wonder, more frequently than I care to admit, I wonder if I still even know what I want. I wonder if I still even truly desire to be pregnant. I see the pain (emotional and physical) and exhaustion of my dear friend who just had a baby (more on this later), and I am reminded that even the end result of this desire is not the "amazing birth experience". I feel so far away from that innocent longing to be a mom that I once felt. I wonder if I am even capable of every feeling joy again if a BFP were to happen.

I am not sure why this is just a downer post today. More than anything I just feel, as I said hollow and indifferent. I don't hurt and I am glad about that, but I don't feel joy, excitement, and hope either.

I also am feeling like I can only invest the bulk of my drive and energy in one part of my life. In the past two years and three months that has been in TTC (well, and healing and grieving from loss associated with this). I am feeling like the cost is too great to continue to invest exclusively in TTC. There is just too much potential for more loss and brutal disappointment.

But then I ask myself, so what is the alternative? Give up on TTC? Give my desire over to God? (I have so much baggage associated with that phrase.) Do I plunge head first into my career, furthering my own business and "just relax"? I don't know... I am feeling paralysis in some many areas of my life right now.

Grrr... my post is saturated with more layers of frustration and angst than I realized. I might have to leave this with an unpolished ending for now... cuz I just don't know where to go with this.