Sunday, December 12, 2010

Where my thoughts are

When we first received the diagnosis, I grieved pretty hard. I wasn't expecting that, and it caught me off guard. I can feel that shifting now and I am certain that the day we did our bloodwork and banking helped. For the first time in a long time, we were making forward motion towards our goal- of having a family. And, now I feel like I am patiently awaiting diving head first into our first IVF next month.

But where I get stuck in my head with thoughts that are less then helpful and sap my positive hopeful mood is when it comes to my body and old history-

My body- I have wanted to lose weight. I don't feel good about my body at all right now. And I have been trying, and it just hasn't been coming off. I always imagined losing this weight before getting pregnant. And now, we are talking about diving into IVF immediately. And I am fearful of how this will be. I know the injections and such are tough on overall health to start with, and I know how pudgy I felt in the two previous pregnancies, even early on. And I just dread the thought of adding all of that on top of my current weight, in which I just don't feel very comfortable in my own skin. And yet, I don't have the energy to postpone this IVF cycle either- I am ready to do this now. I just hope that even with the extra weight I am carrying, I can embrace my body and all of its changes if (when?) I get pregnant. I fear that instead i won't enjoy the pregnancy because of how uncomfortable I already feel in my own skin.

Old history- I've written about it before, but the grief of our two miscarriages has always been amplified because of how identical they were in the calendar. So, our miscarriages both were in the same month, one year apart. And our unfulfilled due dates then were also were both to be in October, one year apart. If we proceed with this first IVF as planned, we would be following that exact same timeline. And we'd have the same approximate due date as both of our previous losses. this has been tugging at my heart- scared that we are being set up for yet another loss in the same time frame and only compounding and reopening the hurt. Then the other side of me secretly wishes for this very first IVF to work- for it to all go smoothly, and in the end finally fulfill those October due dates that when unfilled previously. I long for the story to be written that way, but fear that we will just be walking the road of deep despair instead.

Like I said, I know this isn't very helpful thinking, and I hope to stop dwelling on it and just move on, but maybe by writing it out, I can start to let go of the fears and trust I'll be able to do this one day at a time.

1 comment:

  1. FWIW, I don't think you're dwelling on things. You have every reason to be upset. Would you feel better if you shifted things slightly so you wouldn't be following the same timeline?