YES! No, Maybe, wait, I mean...

Where am I?

Tired. Spinning. Interspersed with itsy bitsy tiny glimpses of hope and excitement. (Emphasizing tiny).

I think I am grieving, which is surprising me a bit. I am glad there is a clear answer why we haven't gotten pregnant, I'm glad there is a definite reason for the pain, that it wasn't all in my head.

But I guess I am sort of not ready to leave naive land where I could dream that maybe, just maybe we could just give it time and eventually we'd get pregnant on our own. So, as I come in to our new reality I feel some grief.

The endo is stage 4. It has entirely encased one of my ovaries in a grapefruit size endometrioma (spelling?). Most likely it is spread lots of places.

Doc said that we could do surgery to remove it- but it will come back, and in the meantime removing it won't improve our chances of TTC that greatly and given we also have not so great numbers in the sperm area of things, and we aren't getting any younger- he recommends IVF as the next step.

And by next step I mean as in the very next step- starting our first IVF on my next cycle which starts in just a couple of weeks.

Commence freak out.

Part of me is ready- i like the idea of not thinking about it or planning for it, but just doing it. we've been on this journey for THREE YEARS. part of me feels like ripping the band aid off and just diving in. Waiting accomplishes nothing anymore.

But my responsible side if stressing about the money. As of a few weeks ago, I had finally declared to DH that I felt like we were on track and that we'd be able to make this work to do IVF down the road. But in three weeks? We would have to make some financial decisions now that I wasn't yet ready to make. So, my anal excel sheet side of me is freaking out a bit.

But - we know now that our only option is IVF. and by all accounts we are good candidates for coming out on the other end with a baby. And that makes me so joy ful and so scared to death at the same time. I'm not sure if I am ready to handle the emotionally fraught 1st trimester. Waiting for the chance at seeing a heartbeat. I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad luck.

IVF, I am ready to take you on (i think), and I will do so with courage (i hope), but please or please spare us a little bit (or a lot), will you? Let us not fall on the wrong side of statistics yet again. (if this is even the step we decide to take).
I beg of you.