I am grateful

(Forewarning- lots of gushing about the "p" word and my stomach getting rounder)

I have been spilling over with gratitude lately.

I am grateful that I feel good. I feel really really good. Can't say there are any symptoms at all that are bothering me. And just saying that almost brings tears to my eyes because I think I started to fear that after so many months of feeling so awful that I wasn't going to feel good at any time in this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I have 4 months of maternity leave (some unpaid, but we'll be okay). I know (well, I don't know, but I know as best as I can) that an infant is a lot of work and it is hard. But it is a different kind of hard for a change and I will have only one responsibility- the kid. No other work demands on my time. And I am so grateful and so looking forward to that. For four full months.

I am grateful that I love my belly. I'll be honest, if you haven't noticed, that my changing body shape and the growing number on the scale have triggered some long-held insecurities about my body, they linger in the background and I feared they would take away some of the joy of the experience. But, I just love my belly. It is round and definitely pregnant. And I just stare at it (and rub it sometimes, yes, I know I am one of THOSE prego women) and I just get giddy with disbelief.

I feel like I say it too much, but I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his boundless love and enthusiasm about this pregnancy. He is literally telling the world. First thing he does when he rolls over to hug me in the morning is tell me he loves me and asks how the kid is doing. Every phone call and text message throughout the day, no matter the topic, same thing, tell me that I am the greatest and asks about the kid. I thought we had the best thing ever before in our marriage and yet it has gotten even better.

I am grateful that I no longer hate my job. During the first trimester I absolutely despised every single minute at work. I am sure it was hormones, and the emotional roller coaster of all of it, and the feeling so sick and tired. And more. But I am tolerating my job again. And the days are going fast. And when things get rough, it is easy to keep in mind how close maternity leave is and I will have a break from all of it very soon.

I don't know how we got here. I don't know why we were the lucky ones to get pregnant on our first IVF. I don't know why all the many years of grief and loss. I don't know how much longer I could have kept fighting the long road of IF. I just don't know.

But for now I am grateful, and I don't want any of the "whys" to take an ounce of energy away from this gratitude.