Been nearly three weeks since I last blogged
Time has flown.
The darkness was so thick when I last posted. I was a big surprised by it. I thought that I was prepared for BFN on IUI #3 as I was starting to doubt they would work. I thought I was prepared for whatever the outcome. But man, that was hard.
Today. I don't want to sound cliche, but I am in a whole new place. (Oh, kay, that sounds cheesy, but it is not meant to be). I also am finding renewed energies to focus on non-fertility related parts of my life. Meaning, the things that used to captivate my attention, are interesting and exciting again. For that I am grateful. Maybe it is truly healing, maybe I am just coping with grief by burying myself in project to distract me, but either way, the momentum is great.
Significant items
Had a hysterscopy done to follow up from my splotchy, inconclusive HSG. Everything looked perfect. (It was pretty cool to see- weird though to realize there is a camera up my woo-ha, and I am watching my insides on a tv monitor before my very eyes.) And I am pretty sure my insurance will cover the cost.
Decided we are done with IUIs and now going to just see what happens on our own. No more doctors for a while. Ah, this is such a releif right now. I can honestly say I actually have NO IDEA what day of my cycle I am on right now. We plan to Save as much money as we can planning for the future. If, after some time (not sure how long, but hoping I'll know when I know) we aren't pregnant, then we will do IVF using hate Shared Risk plan with the big city clinic. DH and I met with the RE a the big city clinic and something must have clicked for DH, because he came out of the appointment, feeling so good about this plan (wait and see, and then IVF). Previously, he was really opposed to IVF- but I think the success rates finally sunk in (60%), compared to what we have been trying (6%)- IUIs with low sperm counts. Big city doc still believes we are just, as he calls it "inefficient reproducers." I got a kick out of that label. I like it actually. It leaves room for hope, while acknowledging that it won't be easy. He doesn't believe there is any rhyme or reason to my miscarriages, and agrees there is no reason (yet) to rush into IVF.
Jobs- Things with my jobs are changing and evolving a mile a minute. I thought I had it all mapped out, but some new possibilities have come my way. this could get very interesting very soon. And one of the scenarios would mean that we would easily be able to save money quickly to afford IVF. It is outside of my control, but the irony of how it came about baffles me. There is a plan, so much bigger than anything I can imagine....
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
??Next steps??
There is so much I want to say. Blog posts started in my head, but never written, and thoughts left incomplete.
I want to write about what this cycle was like for me- the hope I/we felt. The centeredness I experienced. But I need to be in a better space to write it.
I want to try to articulate the gratitude I feel for this blogging community- friends and strangers alike. Your comments, especially this past week, have keep me going each day. I want to write a post that is all about saying thanks to all of you.
I want to write a post about how CD1 is never a good day to make any decisions, with all the hormones raging and the grief in full force- and yet it is a critical day for making decisions. Will I do the hystersocopy this cycle that the RE recommends? Will we do an IUI? Will we start on clomid? letrozal?
But instead I am finding the words aren't flowing. Sometimes the darkness comes with such force and fury it catches me off guard. There has been sobbing this weekend. Anger! Wow, anger. At one point I saw the HPT box on the floor of hte bathroom where it had fallen a few days ago. And the rage that flew through me made me want to get up and stomp on the box until it was unrecognizable. Where did that emotion come from? DH took me away for one night mini-getaway last night. Planned it all- the hotel, the dinner reservations, etc. I am glad he did, but I was bound and determined to not enjoy it. There was a hissy fit thrown in the car on the way there and as we pulled in to the garage upon return, i just sobbed again. And now, I find that I am just stuck tonight- I don't want to do anything except crawl into a hole and go to sleep. I don't know if it is the hormones or what, but I am tired of feeling this way. I want it just to stop. ya know.
I think I am grieving that I feel like we are at the end of a chapter and the next chapter notes haven't been written yet. Sure I will feel better, when we start mapping out the next steps- the "where do we go from here" steps, but I just don't have the energy to do that yet. And to be honest, I am so scared that I won't like the next plan. (that struck a chord-...tears starting to fall when writing that). I am not ready yet to go to IVF. I can't yet justify spending the money when I still have no proof that that is our only option. And yet I have lost faith in IUIs ever working. Heck, maybe I have just lost faith period.
Updated: I reread this after I posted it and I hate that I am so dark here lately. Sorry to end on such a "woe is me" note. I am down, and have been for the last few days. I do intend to write the post that talks about how I felt so provided for and at peace almost every day of this cycle- which is all I prayed for. That is not where I am at right now though. I know I will come around again...In the meantime, sorry for the dark posts.
I want to write about what this cycle was like for me- the hope I/we felt. The centeredness I experienced. But I need to be in a better space to write it.
I want to try to articulate the gratitude I feel for this blogging community- friends and strangers alike. Your comments, especially this past week, have keep me going each day. I want to write a post that is all about saying thanks to all of you.
I want to write a post about how CD1 is never a good day to make any decisions, with all the hormones raging and the grief in full force- and yet it is a critical day for making decisions. Will I do the hystersocopy this cycle that the RE recommends? Will we do an IUI? Will we start on clomid? letrozal?
But instead I am finding the words aren't flowing. Sometimes the darkness comes with such force and fury it catches me off guard. There has been sobbing this weekend. Anger! Wow, anger. At one point I saw the HPT box on the floor of hte bathroom where it had fallen a few days ago. And the rage that flew through me made me want to get up and stomp on the box until it was unrecognizable. Where did that emotion come from? DH took me away for one night mini-getaway last night. Planned it all- the hotel, the dinner reservations, etc. I am glad he did, but I was bound and determined to not enjoy it. There was a hissy fit thrown in the car on the way there and as we pulled in to the garage upon return, i just sobbed again. And now, I find that I am just stuck tonight- I don't want to do anything except crawl into a hole and go to sleep. I don't know if it is the hormones or what, but I am tired of feeling this way. I want it just to stop. ya know.
I think I am grieving that I feel like we are at the end of a chapter and the next chapter notes haven't been written yet. Sure I will feel better, when we start mapping out the next steps- the "where do we go from here" steps, but I just don't have the energy to do that yet. And to be honest, I am so scared that I won't like the next plan. (that struck a chord-...tears starting to fall when writing that). I am not ready yet to go to IVF. I can't yet justify spending the money when I still have no proof that that is our only option. And yet I have lost faith in IUIs ever working. Heck, maybe I have just lost faith period.
Updated: I reread this after I posted it and I hate that I am so dark here lately. Sorry to end on such a "woe is me" note. I am down, and have been for the last few days. I do intend to write the post that talks about how I felt so provided for and at peace almost every day of this cycle- which is all I prayed for. That is not where I am at right now though. I know I will come around again...In the meantime, sorry for the dark posts.
Friday, January 15, 2010
It's happened
The inevitable.
A baby shower invitation. Two of them actually for two different people. Just 7 days apart.
Serious!?
I need to an excuse to be out of town, and I need it quick!
A baby shower invitation. Two of them actually for two different people. Just 7 days apart.
Serious!?
I need to an excuse to be out of town, and I need it quick!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Stark
The absence of that second pick line is so stark white as it glares at you. It is like it screams at you.
Now we wait for AF to finally arrive.
I wrote yesterday about wanting to be done with being in Limbo. The reality is the limbo is never done. I have just entered a new limbo. It was the "did this cycle work or not limbo" now it is the "will this ever work or not" limbo.
Decisions to be made: letrozal, clomid, or non-medicated this cycle. Do the follow up test to the HSG or not (need to find out the cost). Do the follow up test this cycle or not.
Fuck.
Trying to reconnect with the hope that carried me through this cycle. Can't quite find it. Hoping it finds me.
Now we wait for AF to finally arrive.
I wrote yesterday about wanting to be done with being in Limbo. The reality is the limbo is never done. I have just entered a new limbo. It was the "did this cycle work or not limbo" now it is the "will this ever work or not" limbo.
Decisions to be made: letrozal, clomid, or non-medicated this cycle. Do the follow up test to the HSG or not (need to find out the cost). Do the follow up test this cycle or not.
Fuck.
Trying to reconnect with the hope that carried me through this cycle. Can't quite find it. Hoping it finds me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Limbo
I am driving myself batty.
Spent way too much time last night googling "BFP days after iui." I THOUGHT that my BFN on 11dpiui meant this cycle was over. Maybe I am just reading and seeing just what I WANT to see, but the more I read, the more i am reading that 11 days after is still a bit on the early side statistically to test.
So now I want to buy more pee sticks.
I have had AF-like cramps so it feels like AF is inevitable. But I know that in reality that cramps or no cramps really doesn't telling you with certainty whether this is BFP of BFN.
Sigh- so I really don't know anything, but definitely losing any state of Zen-ness that I had been trying to have.
Limbo is exhausting.
Will buy more HPTs tonight and test ONE LAST TIME tomorrow and then try to shake this insanity and move on from obsessing.
Spent way too much time last night googling "BFP days after iui." I THOUGHT that my BFN on 11dpiui meant this cycle was over. Maybe I am just reading and seeing just what I WANT to see, but the more I read, the more i am reading that 11 days after is still a bit on the early side statistically to test.
So now I want to buy more pee sticks.
I have had AF-like cramps so it feels like AF is inevitable. But I know that in reality that cramps or no cramps really doesn't telling you with certainty whether this is BFP of BFN.
Sigh- so I really don't know anything, but definitely losing any state of Zen-ness that I had been trying to have.
Limbo is exhausting.
Will buy more HPTs tonight and test ONE LAST TIME tomorrow and then try to shake this insanity and move on from obsessing.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Bullet points
Updates in bullets:
- POAS yesterday (CD11) and BFN. Now I have to decide if I buy more sticks or just wait it out. Not really hopeful for this cycle anymore, but also wanting to just have the answer so I can stop being in limbo.
- How did I get so lucky to be married to DH? I just pinch myself that he is my husband. For whatever reason(s), this cycle, our relationship deepened and got even richer. In the midst of all the whirling storm around us, I feel like in our relationship there has been a centered and quiet stillness and a bubbling up of joy. I pray I never take that for granted.
- Had lunch today with a friend who is becoming even more of a friend who knows this journey all too well. Oh, how wonderful it was to share and commiserate with one another, but also bittersweet because as much as I find joy in the connection, it hurts that the connecting point is IF/and loss. No one should have to walk this road. Especially her.
- What next? DH and I are in agreement we are taking a break from IUIs. Maybe permanently, maybe temporarily. I feel good with this decision for now. A month or two of trying on our own. Maybe with clomid/femara, maybe nothing. What next after that? I don't know. Follow up with the RE. Explore the shared risk IVF plan. Apply for a domestic adoption. All of the above, none of the above.
- That is all for now. Need to get some sleep.
- POAS yesterday (CD11) and BFN. Now I have to decide if I buy more sticks or just wait it out. Not really hopeful for this cycle anymore, but also wanting to just have the answer so I can stop being in limbo.
- How did I get so lucky to be married to DH? I just pinch myself that he is my husband. For whatever reason(s), this cycle, our relationship deepened and got even richer. In the midst of all the whirling storm around us, I feel like in our relationship there has been a centered and quiet stillness and a bubbling up of joy. I pray I never take that for granted.
- Had lunch today with a friend who is becoming even more of a friend who knows this journey all too well. Oh, how wonderful it was to share and commiserate with one another, but also bittersweet because as much as I find joy in the connection, it hurts that the connecting point is IF/and loss. No one should have to walk this road. Especially her.
- What next? DH and I are in agreement we are taking a break from IUIs. Maybe permanently, maybe temporarily. I feel good with this decision for now. A month or two of trying on our own. Maybe with clomid/femara, maybe nothing. What next after that? I don't know. Follow up with the RE. Explore the shared risk IVF plan. Apply for a domestic adoption. All of the above, none of the above.
- That is all for now. Need to get some sleep.
Monday, January 11, 2010
11 dpIUI
For 11 days now, there has been hope in our house again. Why? I have no idea. But it has been contagious- and both DH and I have been beyond hopeful this cycle. It started on the day of the IUI with an emotion I could only describe as giddiness. And it hasn't subsided.
DH has even been talking as if this IUI actually worked. He says "when" not "if". He comes up behind me and places his hand on my lower stomach and just holds me, quietly praying. He has already nicknamed this potential life, Lou-Lou. (Don't ask me why or how that name stuck- cuz I have no idea! All I know is that it stuck). And this has all been okay with me. Better than okay. It has been refreshing, rejuvenating. Where as any other month, I would rather shield myself from anything related to talking about any potential positive outcomes.
Up until this cycle, you see I have been afraid to hope. Afraid that if I let even a smidgen of hope creep in I would jinx everything. And if I hoped, that I wouldn't survive the impending fall into despair. How do I hope for the possibility that I might get pregnant, when the thing I fear the most is the possibility that I might get pregnant...only to see an empty sac once again, lying on the cold table of the U/S room.
How.
I have decided that answering the question of how, is not up to me. As I was reminded by my counselor this week, we are not asked to consider whether or not we will have the strength to endure the unknowns of what may or may not lie ahead. We are only asked to trust that for today, God's grace is sufficient for whatever comes our way.
***************
I might POAS tomorrow. Or the next day. I only have one stick at home. And I have had a block about buying any more for some reason. As much as I can write the above section from a place of such centeredness, I have to admit that I gasp for air momentarily at times when I realize that the profound hope that has been in our household will be facing an ultimate test in just a few days. Can I remain hopeful, in spite of a negative test? Or will I find myself in the pit of despair? Will I regret that I dared to hope?
DH has even been talking as if this IUI actually worked. He says "when" not "if". He comes up behind me and places his hand on my lower stomach and just holds me, quietly praying. He has already nicknamed this potential life, Lou-Lou. (Don't ask me why or how that name stuck- cuz I have no idea! All I know is that it stuck). And this has all been okay with me. Better than okay. It has been refreshing, rejuvenating. Where as any other month, I would rather shield myself from anything related to talking about any potential positive outcomes.
Up until this cycle, you see I have been afraid to hope. Afraid that if I let even a smidgen of hope creep in I would jinx everything. And if I hoped, that I wouldn't survive the impending fall into despair. How do I hope for the possibility that I might get pregnant, when the thing I fear the most is the possibility that I might get pregnant...only to see an empty sac once again, lying on the cold table of the U/S room.
How.
I have decided that answering the question of how, is not up to me. As I was reminded by my counselor this week, we are not asked to consider whether or not we will have the strength to endure the unknowns of what may or may not lie ahead. We are only asked to trust that for today, God's grace is sufficient for whatever comes our way.
***************
I might POAS tomorrow. Or the next day. I only have one stick at home. And I have had a block about buying any more for some reason. As much as I can write the above section from a place of such centeredness, I have to admit that I gasp for air momentarily at times when I realize that the profound hope that has been in our household will be facing an ultimate test in just a few days. Can I remain hopeful, in spite of a negative test? Or will I find myself in the pit of despair? Will I regret that I dared to hope?
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