There is so much I want to say. Blog posts started in my head, but never written, and thoughts left incomplete.
I want to write about what this cycle was like for me- the hope I/we felt. The centeredness I experienced. But I need to be in a better space to write it.
I want to try to articulate the gratitude I feel for this blogging community- friends and strangers alike. Your comments, especially this past week, have keep me going each day. I want to write a post that is all about saying thanks to all of you.
I want to write a post about how CD1 is never a good day to make any decisions, with all the hormones raging and the grief in full force- and yet it is a critical day for making decisions. Will I do the hystersocopy this cycle that the RE recommends? Will we do an IUI? Will we start on clomid? letrozal?
But instead I am finding the words aren't flowing. Sometimes the darkness comes with such force and fury it catches me off guard. There has been sobbing this weekend. Anger! Wow, anger. At one point I saw the HPT box on the floor of hte bathroom where it had fallen a few days ago. And the rage that flew through me made me want to get up and stomp on the box until it was unrecognizable. Where did that emotion come from? DH took me away for one night mini-getaway last night. Planned it all- the hotel, the dinner reservations, etc. I am glad he did, but I was bound and determined to not enjoy it. There was a hissy fit thrown in the car on the way there and as we pulled in to the garage upon return, i just sobbed again. And now, I find that I am just stuck tonight- I don't want to do anything except crawl into a hole and go to sleep. I don't know if it is the hormones or what, but I am tired of feeling this way. I want it just to stop. ya know.
I think I am grieving that I feel like we are at the end of a chapter and the next chapter notes haven't been written yet. Sure I will feel better, when we start mapping out the next steps- the "where do we go from here" steps, but I just don't have the energy to do that yet. And to be honest, I am so scared that I won't like the next plan. (that struck a chord-...tears starting to fall when writing that). I am not ready yet to go to IVF. I can't yet justify spending the money when I still have no proof that that is our only option. And yet I have lost faith in IUIs ever working. Heck, maybe I have just lost faith period.
Updated: I reread this after I posted it and I hate that I am so dark here lately. Sorry to end on such a "woe is me" note. I am down, and have been for the last few days. I do intend to write the post that talks about how I felt so provided for and at peace almost every day of this cycle- which is all I prayed for. That is not where I am at right now though. I know I will come around again...In the meantime, sorry for the dark posts.