For 11 days now, there has been hope in our house again. Why? I have no idea. But it has been contagious- and both DH and I have been beyond hopeful this cycle. It started on the day of the IUI with an emotion I could only describe as giddiness. And it hasn't subsided.
DH has even been talking as if this IUI actually worked. He says "when" not "if". He comes up behind me and places his hand on my lower stomach and just holds me, quietly praying. He has already nicknamed this potential life, Lou-Lou. (Don't ask me why or how that name stuck- cuz I have no idea! All I know is that it stuck). And this has all been okay with me. Better than okay. It has been refreshing, rejuvenating. Where as any other month, I would rather shield myself from anything related to talking about any potential positive outcomes.
Up until this cycle, you see I have been afraid to hope. Afraid that if I let even a smidgen of hope creep in I would jinx everything. And if I hoped, that I wouldn't survive the impending fall into despair. How do I hope for the possibility that I might get pregnant, when the thing I fear the most is the possibility that I might get pregnant...only to see an empty sac once again, lying on the cold table of the U/S room.
I have decided that answering the question of how, is not up to me. As I was reminded by my counselor this week, we are not asked to consider whether or not we will have the strength to endure the unknowns of what may or may not lie ahead. We are only asked to trust that for today, God's grace is sufficient for whatever comes our way.
I might POAS tomorrow. Or the next day. I only have one stick at home. And I have had a block about buying any more for some reason. As much as I can write the above section from a place of such centeredness, I have to admit that I gasp for air momentarily at times when I realize that the profound hope that has been in our household will be facing an ultimate test in just a few days. Can I remain hopeful, in spite of a negative test? Or will I find myself in the pit of despair? Will I regret that I dared to hope?