Sunday, January 10, 2010

Life hurts

Life hurts.

I am wrestling with this truth a lot lately. It is not really that profound of a truth, but it has taken me on a whole new faith journey.

If it is true that life just plain hurts- sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, sometimes more for some than others- if this is true (and it is hard to deny), then who is God? I have struggled with this question of "Who are you God?" (usually a "damn it" is added to that question in desperation). I know the God that is a God of love. I have known that God very well at times. I see it in the times in which I am loved by or capable of giving love to my husband in ways that are so far beyond what I know I am humanly capable of. I see it in the unexpected acts of grace and kindness in our world.

But the list of hurts in my life is growing long. Too long. The darkness weighs on me. Very heavily.

Why God? Why are you just a God of Love? Why do you promise to be with us in all things, and yet you can't stop the bad from happening? I don't think I can take anymore. I am done, do you hear me!??!! I am done with the hurt, the grief, the loss.
I want a God who makes it all right.
I want a powerful God.
I want a God who saves me from this hell.
I want a God that I don't have to be so afraid of what is to come next in life, and whether or not I can withstand it.


My prayers haven't been pretty lately. But to be honest, the uglier my rant, the more I find peace settling in to my inner being. The more I pound my fists and yell and scream at God for how unfair this all is, the more I find that I melt to the floor, only to find myself confidently on my knees at the feet of the One who loved me first.

And there I try to sit. Every day, trying to only worry about whose feet I am sitting at. Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety about what possible could be lurking around the corner in this game of life. And instead trust that today, I know whose feet I sit at.

Just for today.

3 comments:

  1. I believe that you are going through a very tough, very dark time in your life, but I also believe it won't last.

    Trust me, the darkness will lift and the light will shine again!!

    Hang in there. I know this is a very, very dark time in your life.

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  2. Hello!

    My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

    I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

    Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

    Best,
    Elisabeth

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey, friend. I'm so glad you are honest with us, with yourself, and with God about these feelings. I think it helps to pour it all out -- He knows we have those feelings anyway!

    Sometimes I feel very burdened about how unfair life is, and all of the hurt and sadness in this world. I know in my heart that it doesn't mean that God himself is unfair and that He doesn't love His children. Sometimes I think it would be great to have all of the answers and truly understand WHY, but I know that would take far less faith and trust.

    He loves you, and He has a plan for you and for me. Until we see it unfold, though, keep your head up and keep trusting!

    ReplyDelete