Sunday, February 21, 2010

Left behind from another "club"

We IFers talk often about the pain of being left behind. In real life, we feel as if the rest of our friends are moving past us, joining the "club" and we get left in the dust of wondering if it will ever be our turn. Even in blog world, we come into this place, creating a space in our blogs to open ourselves up to connecting with others who know what it feels like to be "left behind" among our IRL friends. But the irony in it is that even here in our IF blog community, for the most part we are all still seeking to be on the other side. And inevitably, some will get there and others won't.

I have been very aware lately of this sense of being left behind in my IRL community. But it hasn't been related to the club of parenthood. Rather, the club of couplehood. I am not sure what has triggered this for me, but if I were to guess, it would be because of a close friend of mine who got divorced last year. She is slowly trying to navigate singlehood again. My heart goes out to her. And it has stirred up in me all the old emotions that I used to feel before meeting DH. Wondering if I would ever marry? Wondering if I would ever be in the couplehood club? I see all this in her and I feel the rawness of that time...not all too different than what I feel now with IF.

As I try to walk alongside her, I am painfully aware that I now am the one in the club, that she is desperately wanting to be in. I am coupled. She is single. When I refer to DH and I as "we", when I post on FB how much I adore DH, when I say anything that talks about what I have, that she doesn't.....I can't help but see the feeling of being left behind written all over her spirit. In my IF journey, I so desperately want others to be careful to not flaunt, intentionally or unknowingly, that they are in "the club". And now I am even more aware,that there is more than one painful "club" in life.


  1. I am very sorry for your friend. (Hugs) to her. I hope she finds comfort in your support.

  2. You're right. It's not just with IF that we feel that there is "the other side". I hope that your friend finds her way. Perhaps one good thing that has come of this for you is being able to be an even better friend to her?

  3. I totally relate to this post - there is always another 'side' that we want to get to and once we're there, we sometimes forget how lucky indeed we are. That's why while we're waiting for family to grow, I am so so thankful to be married to such an awesome man. So sorry to hear about your friend though, and I'm glad she has you to lean on.

  4. So, so true and so sweet of you to acknowledge what your friend is going through. I have several sweet, beautiful, single friends who would really love to be part of a couple. Throughout my journey with IF and RPL, I have identified with these friends more than any other group (besides those who have walked in my shoes). It is wanting to be on the other side -- wanting to move forward, and to no longer feel stuck in a particular phase in life. I treasure and pray for my dear single friends, just as they have been so faithful to pray for me. Like you wrote, it has made me very aware of being sensitive about this toward them. Your friend is fortunate to have you!

  5. This journey makes us aware of the feelings of others in profound ways. We are more sensitive to others pain and feel more deeply. I'm forever a changed person for having traveled this broken road, but I wouldn't change the compassion that I've learned along the way.

    Continue showing your friend the love and support that you feel from your blogger friends. She's lucky to have you in her life :)

    ps I'm very hopeful that you WILL move on from this club :)

  6. Very good post! I think it's so good to be aware of people surrounding us and their struggles. I think of you a lot and I just read an article today that made me think of you. If you are interested please let me know.
    Chandra :)