After this last failed IUI, I found myself jumping in neck deep to new goals. Distraction? Denial? Coping? Healing? Not sure, probably all of the above. I just keep reminding myself, that regardless of the reason as to WHY? I have gotten gung-ho about these new projects, at least they are healthy choices. It has been almost 4 weeks since the last BFN, and I have had such renewed vigor and energy for these new goals, that I have honestly found myself NOT wanting to get pregnant right now. Distraction? Denial? Coping? Healing. Not sure.
After this last BFN, while the grief was real and very dark, there was also a relief knowing that I was at the end of the IUI chapter of this story. (3 IUIs was my max). And knowing we would be taking a long break before exploring IVF seriously, it gave me a chance to dream and plan for new goals. And I like goal setting and I like making plans.
Goal #1: Weightloss- I'll be honest. I have had to work at weight loss and weight maintenance my entire life. Just out of college and in my first full-time job, I was at my all-time highest weight. I joined WW, knowing it was a life-long program based on healthy lifestyle model. I lost about 22 pounds and maintained that weight for three and a half years. But then I started to struggle for the next 4 years. Gaining a little here and there, sometimes losing it again. DH and I got engaged and I don't think I ever fully learned on how to make healthy choices for myself now that I no longer had the same independence that I did as a single women. I also had been sick for over 5 years with some mysterious, never fully diagnosed hormone imbalance that made maintaining my healthy lifestyle challenging. And, I was content in life (aside for the mystery illness), I had everything I had ever wanted in a marriage, so I cared less about being at the "perfect" weight.
Fast forward to today- 10 years since reaching my weight watchers goal weight. Now, in addition to that gain, add on two pregnancies, two miscarriages, clomid, grief, and depression. And I am almost back to the highest weight that scared me into going to WW the first time. I have still been going to WW for most of the past 2 1/2 years, but with limited success. Detours such as miscarriages and clomid induced hysteria quickly undo any progress I do make from time to time.
I have set 10 goals that I have on my way to getting back to my healthy WW weight range. They are all small goals so I can feel like I am making progress toward my ultimate goal of losing, and keeping off, 23 pounds (ugg, I hate admitting that I have that much to lose). It will be the first time that I will reach and have stayed within my healthy weight range since around 2003.
Goal #2: I also have signed up for a bicycle training program (i am so excited!), gearing up for some big rides this summer. I started biking 2 years ago- just a short distance to work. And my love for biking was born. A new bike, several big rides accomplished last year, and I am excited for seeing how far I can push myself this summer.
Goal #3: I have a small business. It has been doing okay- my business partner and I have put little effort in to it and in return generated a little revenue. It has potential, but we have only been sort of committed. But I have finally had to admit to myself that my partner and I are going in different directions. This has been brewing for a while, but I finally had "the conversation" last week that I am walking away from the partnership...to start my own business. I know it was the right decision- i needed to do it for me and for the business. That doesn't mean I am not frickin' freaked out about this decision. Add to this that my partner didn't receive the news very well, and my other part-time job, which is my only job I really have a consistent salary from, is in limbo (might be cut, I might be forced to go full-time, who knows). Which adds a whole new monkey wrench into my ability to plan long-term for my new start-up business.
So, Do I need to point out the obvious of these three goals? Is it glaringly obvious to everyone else that goals #1, #2, and #3 are not exactly conducive to being pregnant?
I know I need a break from TTC, and it is nice to have these to look forward to. But how long? We truly took a break this cycle- I avoided DH during "peak" season. And it has been a relief (I never thought I would say that). My period will come next week, and I don't have to wonder "what if?"
But what about next cycle, and the next?
Will we intentionally try NOT to get pregnant into spring? Through the summer? It is a hard decision to make when TTC is pretty much all we have known for the past 24 months straight. And its hard because I feel like the longer we wait the older DH will be (he is a lot older than I am ).
But reclaiming my sanity and focusing on these goals for mysake feels so damn good.
I know we are done with IUIs. I know we will not do IVF until at least the very end of 2010 or sometime in 2011. The plan was that once we tried on our own for so many more months and still weren't successful, we would move on to IVF. But I am also so relieved to be NOT trying. But by not trying, we are delaying our timeframe of when we would move on to IVF. So do we take a break for 1 more cycle? 6 more cycles? Somewhere in between?
I am stuck between these goals I have made that make me feel so good and the goal of being a mother that is what I ultimately want, but have no control over.