It is Februrary

I have been pregnant twice. Both times it was in February.

February 2008.
and February 2009.

It is February again.

I am not pregnant. And I do not know when (if) I will be. Sometimes it feels like the mountain is too big to climb in the TTC journey. It seemed to happen so easily the first time. Even the second time. And now it just feels so daunting.

I am grateful that with the possibility of my job increasing to full-time that we will have a chance of being able to save to afford (the outrageous costs of) IVF. But I am also bitter. Bitter and angry that that is what it will take. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of paying that amount of money for something that is supposed to just happen for free. But what is the alternative? Adoption is also an expensive endeavor. And while I would like to pursue BOTH paths, if I had to choose, if they are both going to be expensive, I really want the experience of being pregnant.

But is makes me sick to think of spending that kind of money.

I find myself praying that we'll take the next 12 months and save as much money as we can. But that just at the last second, there will be two pink lines....

If only I could be in charge of how it would all go.

But I am not.