??Next steps??

There is so much I want to say. Blog posts started in my head, but never written, and thoughts left incomplete.

I want to write about what this cycle was like for me- the hope I/we felt. The centeredness I experienced. But I need to be in a better space to write it.

I want to try to articulate the gratitude I feel for this blogging community- friends and strangers alike. Your comments, especially this past week, have keep me going each day. I want to write a post that is all about saying thanks to all of you.

I want to write a post about how CD1 is never a good day to make any decisions, with all the hormones raging and the grief in full force- and yet it is a critical day for making decisions. Will I do the hystersocopy this cycle that the RE recommends? Will we do an IUI? Will we start on clomid? letrozal?

But instead I am finding the words aren't flowing. Sometimes the darkness comes with such force and fury it catches me off guard. There has been sobbing this weekend. Anger! Wow, anger. At one point I saw the HPT box on the floor of hte bathroom where it had fallen a few days ago. And the rage that flew through me made me want to get up and stomp on the box until it was unrecognizable. Where did that emotion come from? DH took me away for one night mini-getaway last night. Planned it all- the hotel, the dinner reservations, etc. I am glad he did, but I was bound and determined to not enjoy it. There was a hissy fit thrown in the car on the way there and as we pulled in to the garage upon return, i just sobbed again. And now, I find that I am just stuck tonight- I don't want to do anything except crawl into a hole and go to sleep. I don't know if it is the hormones or what, but I am tired of feeling this way. I want it just to stop. ya know.

I think I am grieving that I feel like we are at the end of a chapter and the next chapter notes haven't been written yet. Sure I will feel better, when we start mapping out the next steps- the "where do we go from here" steps, but I just don't have the energy to do that yet. And to be honest, I am so scared that I won't like the next plan. (that struck a chord-...tears starting to fall when writing that). I am not ready yet to go to IVF. I can't yet justify spending the money when I still have no proof that that is our only option. And yet I have lost faith in IUIs ever working. Heck, maybe I have just lost faith period.

Updated: I reread this after I posted it and I hate that I am so dark here lately. Sorry to end on such a "woe is me" note. I am down, and have been for the last few days. I do intend to write the post that talks about how I felt so provided for and at peace almost every day of this cycle- which is all I prayed for. That is not where I am at right now though. I know I will come around again...In the meantime, sorry for the dark posts.

It's happened

The inevitable.

A baby shower invitation. Two of them actually for two different people. Just 7 days apart.

Serious!?

I need to an excuse to be out of town, and I need it quick!

Stark

The absence of that second pick line is so stark white as it glares at you. It is like it screams at you.

Now we wait for AF to finally arrive.

I wrote yesterday about wanting to be done with being in Limbo. The reality is the limbo is never done. I have just entered a new limbo. It was the "did this cycle work or not limbo" now it is the "will this ever work or not" limbo.

Decisions to be made: letrozal, clomid, or non-medicated this cycle. Do the follow up test to the HSG or not (need to find out the cost). Do the follow up test this cycle or not.

Fuck.

Trying to reconnect with the hope that carried me through this cycle. Can't quite find it. Hoping it finds me.

Limbo

I am driving myself batty.

Spent way too much time last night googling "BFP days after iui." I THOUGHT that my BFN on 11dpiui meant this cycle was over. Maybe I am just reading and seeing just what I WANT to see, but the more I read, the more i am reading that 11 days after is still a bit on the early side statistically to test.

So now I want to buy more pee sticks.

I have had AF-like cramps so it feels like AF is inevitable. But I know that in reality that cramps or no cramps really doesn't telling you with certainty whether this is BFP of BFN.

Sigh- so I really don't know anything, but definitely losing any state of Zen-ness that I had been trying to have.

Limbo is exhausting.

Will buy more HPTs tonight and test ONE LAST TIME tomorrow and then try to shake this insanity and move on from obsessing.

Bullet points

Updates in bullets:

- POAS yesterday (CD11) and BFN. Now I have to decide if I buy more sticks or just wait it out. Not really hopeful for this cycle anymore, but also wanting to just have the answer so I can stop being in limbo.
- How did I get so lucky to be married to DH? I just pinch myself that he is my husband. For whatever reason(s), this cycle, our relationship deepened and got even richer. In the midst of all the whirling storm around us, I feel like in our relationship there has been a centered and quiet stillness and a bubbling up of joy. I pray I never take that for granted.
- Had lunch today with a friend who is becoming even more of a friend who knows this journey all too well. Oh, how wonderful it was to share and commiserate with one another, but also bittersweet because as much as I find joy in the connection, it hurts that the connecting point is IF/and loss. No one should have to walk this road. Especially her.
- What next? DH and I are in agreement we are taking a break from IUIs. Maybe permanently, maybe temporarily. I feel good with this decision for now. A month or two of trying on our own. Maybe with clomid/femara, maybe nothing. What next after that? I don't know. Follow up with the RE. Explore the shared risk IVF plan. Apply for a domestic adoption. All of the above, none of the above.
- That is all for now. Need to get some sleep.

11 dpIUI

For 11 days now, there has been hope in our house again. Why? I have no idea. But it has been contagious- and both DH and I have been beyond hopeful this cycle. It started on the day of the IUI with an emotion I could only describe as giddiness. And it hasn't subsided.

DH has even been talking as if this IUI actually worked. He says "when" not "if". He comes up behind me and places his hand on my lower stomach and just holds me, quietly praying. He has already nicknamed this potential life, Lou-Lou. (Don't ask me why or how that name stuck- cuz I have no idea! All I know is that it stuck). And this has all been okay with me. Better than okay. It has been refreshing, rejuvenating. Where as any other month, I would rather shield myself from anything related to talking about any potential positive outcomes.

Up until this cycle, you see I have been afraid to hope. Afraid that if I let even a smidgen of hope creep in I would jinx everything. And if I hoped, that I wouldn't survive the impending fall into despair. How do I hope for the possibility that I might get pregnant, when the thing I fear the most is the possibility that I might get pregnant...only to see an empty sac once again, lying on the cold table of the U/S room.

How.

I have decided that answering the question of how, is not up to me. As I was reminded by my counselor this week, we are not asked to consider whether or not we will have the strength to endure the unknowns of what may or may not lie ahead. We are only asked to trust that for today, God's grace is sufficient for whatever comes our way.

***************
I might POAS tomorrow. Or the next day. I only have one stick at home. And I have had a block about buying any more for some reason. As much as I can write the above section from a place of such centeredness, I have to admit that I gasp for air momentarily at times when I realize that the profound hope that has been in our household will be facing an ultimate test in just a few days. Can I remain hopeful, in spite of a negative test? Or will I find myself in the pit of despair? Will I regret that I dared to hope?

Life hurts

Life hurts.

I am wrestling with this truth a lot lately. It is not really that profound of a truth, but it has taken me on a whole new faith journey.

If it is true that life just plain hurts- sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, sometimes more for some than others- if this is true (and it is hard to deny), then who is God? I have struggled with this question of "Who are you God?" (usually a "damn it" is added to that question in desperation). I know the God that is a God of love. I have known that God very well at times. I see it in the times in which I am loved by or capable of giving love to my husband in ways that are so far beyond what I know I am humanly capable of. I see it in the unexpected acts of grace and kindness in our world.

But the list of hurts in my life is growing long. Too long. The darkness weighs on me. Very heavily.

Why God? Why are you just a God of Love? Why do you promise to be with us in all things, and yet you can't stop the bad from happening? I don't think I can take anymore. I am done, do you hear me!??!! I am done with the hurt, the grief, the loss.
I want a God who makes it all right.
I want a powerful God.
I want a God who saves me from this hell.
I want a God that I don't have to be so afraid of what is to come next in life, and whether or not I can withstand it.


My prayers haven't been pretty lately. But to be honest, the uglier my rant, the more I find peace settling in to my inner being. The more I pound my fists and yell and scream at God for how unfair this all is, the more I find that I melt to the floor, only to find myself confidently on my knees at the feet of the One who loved me first.

And there I try to sit. Every day, trying to only worry about whose feet I am sitting at. Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety about what possible could be lurking around the corner in this game of life. And instead trust that today, I know whose feet I sit at.

Just for today.

Inspired

I thought this was a very fitting quote. May I never be afraid in our journey of growing our family to take great risks.

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk" -Anonymous

A friend's prayer

A dear friend of mine sent me an email when he learned about our second miscarriage last spring. He happens to be a pastor. And his words and his prayer brought oceans of tears and comfort to my eyes when I first received the email. I am usually diligent in keeping my inbox empty. But this email still sits there. I can't bring myself to delete it or move it. And still today, it brings tears and comfort.

"Dear friend, You keep pulling at my heart strings and I so much just want to come visit you and just give you a big hug. I am not sure I can give you the answers you are looking for, but I can tell you I will walk with you until you do hear, or probably see how God is answering your prayers. I just know that suffering is a part of life that is sad and regrettable, and there is no good reason why it happens to you of all people.


Dear God- Dang it God, why her? I know you are caring for her, but why the heartache for someone in her life she has been longing for, longing to love and care for. Please God, please grant her the life she desires. This is a good woman. She has been faithful and loving and she desires more than this pain. God, I will gladly take on more suffering in my life that you might give her your grace. I ask this, I plead for this, trusting in your grace and mercy for my friend. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen."

Amen.

And here we are today

The story of us- from the beginning when we first met.

2000 Met DH at church and became good friends. Both of us had recently had our hearts broken in a serious relationship and found our friendship to be a breath of fresh air.

2001 Me- dated a couple of guys, nothing too serious. DH- dated here and there with one girlfriend on again/off again. Shared our dating woes over coffee every once in a while. Met his pre-teen daughter and son and hung out with them.

2002 December- DH invited me (as a friend) to a fundraiser. Somehow the night started to feel like a date. The plot thickens-

2003 Spring- DH and I go away to a mountain lodge with our friends. It starts to feel more serious. After coming home we start having the "defining the relationship" conversations (many many of them). Shortly there after we talk about having kids. DHs eyes almost roll out of his head and passes out, but we keep talking.

2004 Summer- after a year of talking, planning, pre-marital counseling, we get engaged. DH comes to the decision that indeed having children together is something he wants, but needs more time. I want to define it- to set a month or year in which we will start having kids. Stresses out DH and we go in circles on this topic.

2005 Summer- Wedding. I have a near panic attack the night before the wedding second guessing myself. I start to breathe again at the wedding, and enjoy every day thereafter. Still have a few tough conversations about when to have kids- I agree with the "not right away" mentality, but I push to define what that means. Having had infertility in my family, I want to be assured that all is well with us. DH says "we will know when the time is right to start trying."

2005 December- DH diagnosed with cancer. We embrace each other and hold for our lives for the roller coaster ahead. Surviving becomes top of the agenda in our household.

2006 DH finishes treatment, good prognosis. He returns to work, I start grad school far away. We commute on weekends and breaks.

2007 Spring I finish school and am back at home. Ahhh! Heaven. I want to agree on a TTC start date. DH still wants to go with the flow. I (mostly) agree to take a deep breath after everything we had been through in less than 2 years of marriage.

2007 December I get a job, routine has resumed. DH, for a change, suggests it might be time. I grin from ear to ear and we both agree that it just feels like the right time. Plan to pull the goalie in January.

2008 January- I somewhat track my cycle. We give the timing our best effort. In hindsight I realize we missed our window. AF comes. We look forward to trying again.

2008 February- We track, I know timing is right this cycle. 12 dpo I POAS (not knowing any of those abbreviations back then). Positive. Holy crap. Text message my friend immediately. Call DH 5 minutes before he has a big presentation to give. I can feel him grinning through the phone. More sticks are peed on.

2008 March- Miscarriage (no details necessary, the story has already been written here in this blog)

2008 Rest of the year- grieving, but still TTC again. Trust that it won't happen again. Tell my self there is not way I could every live through that again.

2009 February- POAS- positive. I actually can't remember the details. We were probably tracking, I don't remember calling DH to tell him. I don't remember much. (Interesting- I never realized how much of this I have forgotten)

2009 March- Miscarriage (nothing more to say)

2009 Rest of the year- grieving, doctors, wondering how I just lived through that again.

And now- 2010 January. It has been 10 years exactly since DH came into my life. And I cherish every day. It has been two years exactly since we started TTC. Two years. Two miscarriage. And I still hope.

Oh, 2010, what will you bring. I pray I can live through whatever it is you bring. Let there be more light and less darkness this year.