I'll be honest that most of my energy these days is spent worrying. Worrying about the outcome, worrying when I do feel symptoms, worrying when I don't and on and on. And I know that even if we get good news at the u/s on Friday, I will still find more things to worry about. I don't WANT to worry, but it is hard not too.
In the midst of the worry though, there is some joy and gratitude that lightens my spirit and reminds me of what really matters:
My husband- I just can't say enough. Where as I feel like I am still guarding my heard, he has fallen in love with this child head over heals. He thinks and talks about it all the time. He puts his face to my belly and over and over says "We love you lil' one, we love you so much. Hang on tight in there." I cringe at times as he gushes, just afraid to love this baby as unabashedly as he does when the grief of loss is still so fresh. But it also makes me love DH all the more that all walls are down with him.
No cramping- Things have really settled down down in my nether regions and I am not having menstrual type cramps anymore. Who knows what that means, but it has helped to put my mind at ease, being it just feels like it is settled in and not so fragile in my pelvic region. Hard to explain, but I've been grateful for that.
No spotting- I am 5wk5days and no spotting at all yet. I know spotting is normal and can be quite common, especially with using prom.etrium. But it would understandably freak me out. But I am so relieved everyday that goes by that there isn't a single drop of red, or pink, or brown.
Desire- I wrote earlier about our Meet&Greet with one of the midwives clinics we are considering. I just felt like during their presentation, talking about birth and babies and bringing a baby home, I just was overcome with the feeling of wanting this SO badly. I think what surprised me about that was that I don't feel that desire that frequently anymore. Years of loss and heartbreak and disappointment and I just have put a lid on the strong desire, that longing to carry a baby and be a mother. It hurt to bad to long for it, when the chances of it actually happening seemed so so slim. And that feeling came back to me for a moment sitting at the midwives office- and it felt so good to remember how much I want this.
Great to have such a good reminder of your passion to be a mother - your love for your future child will get you through all the worry. Thinking of you for your scan xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are able to find your way through the clouds of worry to have some rays of sunshine. Your husband sounds wonderful and I am so happy that you have his strong faith and support to lean on. I know you love this little baby already, even though you are guarding your heart, you know deep down, you are already so in love.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always.
(Katie, signed in under my work account).
Your child will be so so loved by the two of you and your family around! Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteMany tears as I read this post, as it takes me back to a place where I felt all those same emotions. And the worry does engulf you. Hang in there, as its so hard. I've reached 32 weeks and I still worry, but I have to say that it got better with each passing milestone.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my prayers
That worry is hard to put to rest. I hate that you're struggling with it, but I know it's a reality when you've only known loss and bad ultrasounds. I'm hoping that Friday's scan will help put some of those worries aside! Praying for GREAT news!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you have a supportive husband walking beside you. It makes a world of a difference.