I'll be honest that most of my energy these days is spent worrying. Worrying about the outcome, worrying when I do feel symptoms, worrying when I don't and on and on. And I know that even if we get good news at the u/s on Friday, I will still find more things to worry about. I don't WANT to worry, but it is hard not too.
In the midst of the worry though, there is some joy and gratitude that lightens my spirit and reminds me of what really matters:
My husband- I just can't say enough. Where as I feel like I am still guarding my heard, he has fallen in love with this child head over heals. He thinks and talks about it all the time. He puts his face to my belly and over and over says "We love you lil' one, we love you so much. Hang on tight in there." I cringe at times as he gushes, just afraid to love this baby as unabashedly as he does when the grief of loss is still so fresh. But it also makes me love DH all the more that all walls are down with him.
No cramping- Things have really settled down down in my nether regions and I am not having menstrual type cramps anymore. Who knows what that means, but it has helped to put my mind at ease, being it just feels like it is settled in and not so fragile in my pelvic region. Hard to explain, but I've been grateful for that.
No spotting- I am 5wk5days and no spotting at all yet. I know spotting is normal and can be quite common, especially with using prom.etrium. But it would understandably freak me out. But I am so relieved everyday that goes by that there isn't a single drop of red, or pink, or brown.
Desire- I wrote earlier about our Meet&Greet with one of the midwives clinics we are considering. I just felt like during their presentation, talking about birth and babies and bringing a baby home, I just was overcome with the feeling of wanting this SO badly. I think what surprised me about that was that I don't feel that desire that frequently anymore. Years of loss and heartbreak and disappointment and I just have put a lid on the strong desire, that longing to carry a baby and be a mother. It hurt to bad to long for it, when the chances of it actually happening seemed so so slim. And that feeling came back to me for a moment sitting at the midwives office- and it felt so good to remember how much I want this.