A peace started to settle in me over the weekend. Granted, it wasn't a full blown peace, but the tables seemed to tip a bit in favor of peace, rather than irrational fear.
Scratch that- I take that back. That is being a bit hard on me- it isn't entirely irrational fear. I have had two miscarriages. I have never known my body to carry a live baby to term. So,it is not entirely irrational to fear the worst.
But this is a different path. We got to this point of the pregnancy in a different way. And all signs so far are good.
Today, when the nausea lifted a bit, I took comfort in the fact that I felt clear headed for just a bit. The fear peaked in now and again, taunting me, asking me to consider a dead floating baby inside of me. But for the most part, I just enjoyed today.
The fear that IS irrational is the fear that by putting positive energy out there, or by actually, you know, HAVING HOPE, that somehow I will jinx it and be responsible for the demise of this pregnancy. I know that it isn't true. I know that telling friends we are pregnant, or considering baby names will not CAUSE a miscarriage. That is the irrational side of the fear- but it is sure ever present. I think it is what sent me over the edge last week- in that we had started to believe this might actually happen, we had told a few more close friends, and the irrational fear consumed me.
I am doing a bit better. I am breathing a bit more.
I bought some maternity clothes online. I know it is early, but I just needed to do it. It was almost two weeks ago that I placed the actual order. And I was very hopeful then. And in part is my way of saying Screw You, Miscarriage - this time I am actually going to NEED maternity clothes. And damn are they cute. And oh, how I love elastic at my waist. I may never go back to regular clothes. I am not ready to wear them just yet-physically or emotionally- but they are my symbol of hope. And did I mention how much I love the comfy waists?
We won't even talk about how much puff and thickness seems to be adding to my midsection each day. I feel like I am walking around with a big neon arrow pointing at my belly that says "Look at ME, I am, unsuccessfully trying to hide the growing bump/bulge." It feels so obvious to me, although I am probably overreacting; but I am just not ready to "come out" to my work peeps yet and it just feels so big and out there.
I'll end on this note: I have mentioned it before, but My husband has fallen head over heels in love with this "kid" already- and it makes me love him so much more, it is just unfathomable. He has absolutely no reservations and loves this kid so much. He is constantly rubbing my belly, talking to it, and talking about it. I am in awe that there is not an ounce of fear, or reservation in him- he doesn't seem to guard his heart nor does he seem the least bit worried about becoming a father. To see him love like this, just adds to my peace that this was the right path to choose for our family. Damn, I love him all the more.
Today marks exactly 8 weeks. Next U/s on Thursday.