Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pesky (Irrational?) Fear

A peace started to settle in me over the weekend. Granted, it wasn't a full blown peace, but the tables seemed to tip a bit in favor of peace, rather than irrational fear.

Scratch that- I take that back. That is being a bit hard on me- it isn't entirely irrational fear. I have had two miscarriages. I have never known my body to carry a live baby to term. So,it is not entirely irrational to fear the worst.

But this is a different path. We got to this point of the pregnancy in a different way. And all signs so far are good.

Today, when the nausea lifted a bit, I took comfort in the fact that I felt clear headed for just a bit. The fear peaked in now and again, taunting me, asking me to consider a dead floating baby inside of me. But for the most part, I just enjoyed today.

The fear that IS irrational is the fear that by putting positive energy out there, or by actually, you know, HAVING HOPE, that somehow I will jinx it and be responsible for the demise of this pregnancy. I know that it isn't true. I know that telling friends we are pregnant, or considering baby names will not CAUSE a miscarriage. That is the irrational side of the fear- but it is sure ever present. I think it is what sent me over the edge last week- in that we had started to believe this might actually happen, we had told a few more close friends, and the irrational fear consumed me.

I am doing a bit better. I am breathing a bit more.

I bought some maternity clothes online. I know it is early, but I just needed to do it. It was almost two weeks ago that I placed the actual order. And I was very hopeful then. And in part is my way of saying Screw You, Miscarriage - this time I am actually going to NEED maternity clothes. And damn are they cute. And oh, how I love elastic at my waist. I may never go back to regular clothes. I am not ready to wear them just yet-physically or emotionally- but they are my symbol of hope. And did I mention how much I love the comfy waists?

We won't even talk about how much puff and thickness seems to be adding to my midsection each day. I feel like I am walking around with a big neon arrow pointing at my belly that says "Look at ME, I am, unsuccessfully trying to hide the growing bump/bulge." It feels so obvious to me, although I am probably overreacting; but I am just not ready to "come out" to my work peeps yet and it just feels so big and out there.

I'll end on this note: I have mentioned it before, but My husband has fallen head over heels in love with this "kid" already- and it makes me love him so much more, it is just unfathomable. He has absolutely no reservations and loves this kid so much. He is constantly rubbing my belly, talking to it, and talking about it. I am in awe that there is not an ounce of fear, or reservation in him- he doesn't seem to guard his heart nor does he seem the least bit worried about becoming a father. To see him love like this, just adds to my peace that this was the right path to choose for our family. Damn, I love him all the more.

Today marks exactly 8 weeks. Next U/s on Thursday.


  1. I know your fear about jinxing your pregnancy... but if anything hope will help you along :)) So lovely that your husband rubs your belly and talks to your little one. Happy 8 week milestone... you'll be at 12 weeks in no time and then your risk of miscarriage will be much less. With you all the way xoxo

  2. Aw that is so sweet about your hubby :-) It must be a scary time. I'm rooting for you and can't wait til your next appt!

  3. I had 3 iui's/6 ivf cycles and 2 miscarriages befor I had my daughter. I bought a doppler when I was 11 weeks off ebay for $100. It helped me not freak out for my pregnancy. I still worried a lot and never thought I would bring a real baby home but it helped. If I was worried I would do a heartbeat check and it helped a lot. I mean a lot. Sometimes more than once a day:) I then used it for my twin pregnancy. I leant it to my girlfriend for her 2 pregnancy's and now another girlfriend has it. Best 100 I ever spent. I highly recommend buying one. Good luck to you!

  4. I totally know how you feel. Other than my body's manufacturer's defects, life has treated me pretty well. My outlook has always been positive with a dash of reality. And so life has rewarded me by not kicking me in the teeth for my cockiness. But when I do get over-confident, something always seems to go wrong.
    I was terrified about telling people. But for me it was less the fear that I would jinx it (although that was always an irrational fear,) but rather my supreme lack of desire to talk about it to all of them if something went wrong. When life punches me in the heart, I tend to curl up and want to be emotionally alone for a while. I don't want to talk about it. At least not right away. I want to wallow for a while and get it all out of my system before having to deal with humanity again. I don't want people calling me or trying to console me. So if I don't tell them my hopes, people can't bother me if/when they're dashed.
    And yet, even after swearing my husband to secrecy for the first 12 weeks, agreeing that we wouldn't even tell our mothers, I totally blabbed about it to anyone with a uterus. To be fair, they all knew that we were trying and had had the IVF, so they'd ask. But I caved like a wet noodle. Plus we see our families almost on a monthly basis, so it was hard to avoid them.

    And I was in Motherhood Maternity trying on the tummy bump about 5 seconds after my test results. Well. Maybe a day after. The store was across the street from where I worked, so I probably waited until a work day. And there were Carter's Osh Kosk, Children's Place, HealthTex and Baby Gap stores in the same outlet mall. So I browsed a few. Then I spent the whole rest of the day in a sweating fear that I had just ruined everything. So I bought a pair of regular jeans that barely fit (and will apparently never fit me again.) Hedging my bets.

    Rationally, like you, I KNOW that feeling confident won't jinx you. But feeling confident and secure actually DOES help. Being an emotional wreck sends all kinds of hormones and chemicals and things through your body. And being happy sends happy chemicals, which helps your body stay healthy. I switched to a classical music channel on the radio, to help me stay calm during traffic. (Studies show that this works. Whereas any music style that is your favorite aids in pain tolerance.) And I practiced a LOT of deep breathing. Which has actually been a very helpful Mommy tool as well. Look into pregnancy massage. My insurance got me discounted massage rates at a physical therapy center, which felt sooooo nice every week. Plus helped my lower back pain, later on. Accupuncture is another nice way to relax, since you lay there in the dark listening to calming music and are too afraid to move because of the needles. :) So you have no choice but to relax.