Friday, March 18, 2011


Confession time-

I am pretty much a wreck. Thus the week long silence.

I thought that a heartbeat would be all I needed to see to let me breathe a bit easier. And it was so good for the soul.. but only for two days. Ever since then, I've been a complete mess.

I've logged on several times to blog, to try to get this out of my system, I even have several posts started but never finished. But just can't even bring myself to finish my thoughts. Cuz I don't know what I am feeling. And maybe in a self-sabotaging way I don't want to be comforted. Maybe I just want to feel miserable and wallow in it.

But that isn't working for me.

I am tired of being a wreck. I want to WANT to be around friends again. I want to WANT to talk to family on the phone and share in their excitement. I want to enjoy my job, even just a bit, and not dread the normal every day things in life. But instead, I am just a mess.

I feel guilty, guilty that I am not more in love yet with this kid. Guilty that I am not more grateful. Guilty that seeing a heart beat wasn't enough to calm my fears. I feel guilty that I am not stronger, that I can't just "get over this." I feel guilty for despising the horrible pregnancy symptoms and I feel guilty for not just enjoying the days I feel better. I feel guilty for complaining, I feel like I should only feel contentedness and joy. And I do- I want to feel that. My husband is so over the moon excited and in love with this "kid" and I am terrified, miserable, guilt-ridden, ornery, and physically and emotionally spent.

My symptoms have-- I don't know if faded is the right word- but they have changed. My girls were huge and heavy and sore and crazy sensitive- and now nothing. The feel deflated and don't hurt at all. And this scares me more than anything. I was feeling nauseous, really bad all day long- Now? I don't know. I can tell you I don't feel good, that is for sure, but it feels different. And it is freaking me out- and I just don't know if I feel how I am supposed to feel symptom wise. This just doesn't feel like the symptoms felt before. or how they are supposed to feel.

And I am so scared. And so tired- physically and emotionally. I have tried to talk reason to myself, to help calm my fears, but it isn't working. I long to find comfort in prayer, but feel so disconnected. And my normal distractions- my job, blogland, excersize, time with DH or friends- aren't bringing any comfort.

I am just plain spent. And scared. And overwhelmed with facing the news at the next u/s. It just feels like seeing the hb has upped the anty. The stakes are so much higher this time- cuz there is actually a beating heart, a living being in me. and I want it even more badly, but have not control over whether or not by body will kill it. And it is the most helpless feeling ever.


  1. Pregnancy is a such a difficult and long path - emotionally and physically... all those hormones don't help the emotions either. Your care and concern for your little one is a sign of your love and the excitement your husband and others have will come. I'm sure my excitement probably won't start until my baby is safely in my arms at the end of my future pregnancy. Sorry to hear your feeling so miserable and missed you this week. Thinking of you always xoxo

  2. Take a deep breath. Do you know the statistics of a miscarriage after a heartbeart is really low? Try to take it one day at a time.

  3. I have been there! More than once and I don't think you should apologize for your feelings. I had my first baby in 2005, then a miscarriage in 2006. After that M/C I got pregnant right away. I was so detached from my pregnancy for FEAR that I'd lose her and I stayed that way all the way through, even after the 20-week scan, even after the 3D scan, even after I knew her gender, even after I felt her moving all the time. She was born full-term and our bond was almost instantaneous. I was more connected with her than my other two babies, knew what she needed before she even did, etc.

    So DO NOT feel guilty if you don't feel that magical bond and passionate love... yet. It will come! And hopefully, for you, it will come long before they are born rather than with my pregnancy with Abigail when I was so detached. It was as though I held my breath the entire pregnancy and finally took a breath when she was in my arms.

    Symptoms come and go, truly! But I also know the fear of fading symptoms. It's hard to not go to those dark places, especially with technology and scary stories at your fingertips.

  4. I know there is NOTHING that can really make you feel better. Sure, there are statistics that I could throw at you to make you see that the odds are in your favor. . . but you have been the small "lightening strikes" statistic before. . . and so you know that there is no true "safety" time in a pregnancy, because someone, somewhere has to be that statistical bullet.

    I went through my entire pregnancy with Will feeling like this. Until they handed me my son in the hospital, I lived in fear. I saw a therapist through much of my pregnancy to work with the feelings of anxiety and of guilt and it really helped. One thing that my counselor suggested to me was positive visualization, which sounds SUPER cheesy, but just to take a few minutes each day (start with two minutes, work your way up to ten or fifteen) and MAKE yourself visualize only positive things such as holding your baby. Can't get that far, just try to imagine yourself with melon belly or at your baby shower. Can't get that far, just try imagining the next ultrasound with a gummy bear shaped baby. The way she put it was this: you cannot control the destiny of this pregnancy. But you can, slowly but surely, change your attitude. Maybe you can't be overjoyed and confident about it all day long, but you can for just a few minutes a day.

    At first, it was really hard to just think positively for two minutes. Visions of my bloody toilet paper or a still, silent baby floating on an ultrasound screen would try to come in. But over time, I found myself able to go for ten or fifteen minutes AND sometimes, those positive images would come all on their own.

    I was still scared, still unsure, still tentative. I still withheld a huge portion of my heart, trying to shield myself from the hurt and pain. But I had moments of respite, times of pure joy, as well.

    And when they put Will in my arms. . . there was no restraint. I loved that little boy with every fiber of my being and have ever since. So try not to beat yourself up for these moments when you are feeling distant. It is NO indicator of how you will feel when your baby is here.

  5. Bless your heart....I felt all that anxiety too. It's difficult and at 34 weeks I still worry, am afraid and anxious. I do have to say that as you progress along things do become easier :) The worry is always there and will be until we hold these babies in our arms, but know that we are all cheering for you!

    Sending hugs and prayers.

  6. Of course you're feeling detached emotionally. You're just protecting yourself. Do what Kathryn suggested. Instead "I hope ... doesn't happen" or "Please, please, please don't..." or "What if...?" think in positive statements. Instead of "I feel guilty because I don't love my fetus yet," think "I know I am going to love this child more than I ever thought possible." Drop the don'ts, cant's and nots.
    You can't help but love your child. They release "love me" hormones. We are genetically wired to find them adorable, even if they're really kind of not-cute. Our instincts as human beings is to love, nurture and protect them.
    I was worried that I wouldn't love my child, long before we ever started trying. I find other people's kids (OPK) daunting and annoying.
    I don't want to hold them. Why are they talking to me? Why is this one following me around? When will these kids LEAVE?
    Luckily my dumb little sister got knocked up at 18, so I got to see how I felt about a child who was actual family. I enjoyed holding him, and being around him. Okay. Promising. Then she had another a few years later, who was freakishly huge and funny-looking. I wasn't as fond of that one, but I loved him too. And my other sister, who I'd hated since adolescence had a girl a few months later, so I decided to try and tolerate my sister so that I could be a part of my niece's life. (And she'd changed. Since I was able to wipe the slate clean, emotionally, and let go of all the baggage and resentment, I found that I actually like her now. We're best friends.) I love this little girl. I would absolutely fight to get her if her parents died. I would kill to protect her. I was still kind of terrified to hold her though.
    When I finally got pregnant, a friend of my DH had a baby. They were all like "Oh! I'm sure you want to hold the baby" and stuck her on me the whole visit. Ugh. What makes people think that pregnant ladies automatically love OPKs?
    So you can still love your child to the moon and back, and still not like them. Or like other kids. I thought my daughter was the most beautiful thing in the entire world, while still acknowledging that she was really kind of ugly and not nearly as cute as her cousins. She still isn't as adorable as they are, and yet she is the cutest thing ever.
    So work on thinking with your heart, instead of your head. Because our heads are just there to mess with us.