I am pretty much a wreck. Thus the week long silence.
I thought that a heartbeat would be all I needed to see to let me breathe a bit easier. And it was so good for the soul.. but only for two days. Ever since then, I've been a complete mess.
I've logged on several times to blog, to try to get this out of my system, I even have several posts started but never finished. But just can't even bring myself to finish my thoughts. Cuz I don't know what I am feeling. And maybe in a self-sabotaging way I don't want to be comforted. Maybe I just want to feel miserable and wallow in it.
But that isn't working for me.
I am tired of being a wreck. I want to WANT to be around friends again. I want to WANT to talk to family on the phone and share in their excitement. I want to enjoy my job, even just a bit, and not dread the normal every day things in life. But instead, I am just a mess.
I feel guilty, guilty that I am not more in love yet with this kid. Guilty that I am not more grateful. Guilty that seeing a heart beat wasn't enough to calm my fears. I feel guilty that I am not stronger, that I can't just "get over this." I feel guilty for despising the horrible pregnancy symptoms and I feel guilty for not just enjoying the days I feel better. I feel guilty for complaining, I feel like I should only feel contentedness and joy. And I do- I want to feel that. My husband is so over the moon excited and in love with this "kid" and I am terrified, miserable, guilt-ridden, ornery, and physically and emotionally spent.
My symptoms have-- I don't know if faded is the right word- but they have changed. My girls were huge and heavy and sore and crazy sensitive- and now nothing. The feel deflated and don't hurt at all. And this scares me more than anything. I was feeling nauseous, really bad all day long- Now? I don't know. I can tell you I don't feel good, that is for sure, but it feels different. And it is freaking me out- and I just don't know if I feel how I am supposed to feel symptom wise. This just doesn't feel like the symptoms felt before. or how they are supposed to feel.
And I am so scared. And so tired- physically and emotionally. I have tried to talk reason to myself, to help calm my fears, but it isn't working. I long to find comfort in prayer, but feel so disconnected. And my normal distractions- my job, blogland, excersize, time with DH or friends- aren't bringing any comfort.
I am just plain spent. And scared. And overwhelmed with facing the news at the next u/s. It just feels like seeing the hb has upped the anty. The stakes are so much higher this time- cuz there is actually a beating heart, a living being in me. and I want it even more badly, but have not control over whether or not by body will kill it. And it is the most helpless feeling ever.