My faith as been a constant throughout my life....BUT I have wrestled with it every single step of the way. I don't "get" it. And I don't know what I mean by that. I don't know what it would look or feel like if I "got" it. But I know that the amount that I have wrestled is unsettling to me. I would much rather be one of those type of people who appears to have a peace about them, that they are unwavering in who they are, what they believe, and Who they belong to.
But I don't. And this infertility and RPL journey has shook, and at times seemingly ripped apart, what was left of my flailing little dinghy of a boat called faith. And I have felt like I have been left with a few boards, adrift at sea.
Where I get stuck is the "why" questions? Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Why, Lord?
And I know there isn't an answer for why. I know. Buy in my human frailness, I want to know the mind of God. I want to understand a God who I believe can work miracles. Who will work miracles. I want to believe in a God that is not an evil puppeteer that causes miscarriages, still births, and infants to leave this earth in the middle of the night. Cuz I don't believe in a God that wills evil to happen. And yet it is so hard then to believe in a God that masterminds the good in life, while he idly watches the darkness swallow up so many of his beloved children. His children who desire good in life, who only want to selflessly grow a family, and give back in the world. And they are swallowed up by the evil that can not ever explained by the "Why" question.
There has been healing recently in which I feel like God has slowly softened my hard exterior and let the peace seep in- the peace that assures me that the God I know is never idle when his people suffer. A God that continues to redirect me to glimpse something bigger than myself, even when I get stuck in the "why"s.
But, this path to peace has been muddy, circular, and more constant wrestling, while at the same time not being able to walk away from it completely.
And I wish I could say that I have a peace that has completely filled me about my u/s tomorrow. I wish I could say that I have total faith in a God that works miracles. But I struggle to believe in that as fully as I would like.
But I will say, that there is a trickle, a teeny tiny trickle if peace that is beckoning me to at least have faith in a God that will never leave me or forsake me. I wish it was something I felt like I could shout in confidence from the mountain top, but a teeny tiny trickle of confidence is all that is there. But I know that is enough.
This peace has come in a quiet way, as I have been gently reminded of these words:
Be not afraid, whatever may come.
I am the Lord your God.
I pray Lord that those words be on my lips in joy or in sorrow tomorrow.
That is all I know how to pray right now. But I am going to trust that is enough.