I did something almost unthinkable today.
DH and I attended a meet & greet at one of the midwives practices we are considering.
Crazy. Surreal. Perfect. Crazy.
I sat through the hour long presentation with three other newly pregnant couples and my head was spinning with thoughts. Forewarning- this is an honest look into the thoughts that circled through my head, no guarantee this is pretty:
"I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe I am interviewing midwives."
"I am a fake. A total fraud. I don't deserve to be here."
"I wonder if they can tell...I wonder if the other women can tell that I have had two miscarriages. I wonder if they can tell I did IVF, that I'm not like the rest of them."
"Oh, I pray I am not jinxing myself by being here. Cart before the horse. I totally should have waited until i knew if it this one was viable before I contemplated, you know, actually making plans or GIVING BIRTH."
"I can't believe I am here. I love these midwives. I love everything about this place."
"I am in love with this child. I want the chance to carry and birth my child. I want this so badly."
All in all it was a great meet and greet. We are going to one other meet and greet in a couple of weeks with another practice, but my gut says we'll use this first group. I will be honest- it was really hard. Hard to make the initial phone call. Hard to actually sign up to go. But I take seriously my decision of who will help us deliver our baby, and I don't want to be rushed in deciding. And I keep telling myself that if this one doesn't stick, we will try again- we will need a midwife eventually. So, this won't be wasted effort. But for today is was an attempt to step forward with hope, rather than being paralyzed by fear.