I did something almost unthinkable today.
DH and I attended a meet & greet at one of the midwives practices we are considering.
Crazy. Surreal. Perfect. Crazy.
I sat through the hour long presentation with three other newly pregnant couples and my head was spinning with thoughts. Forewarning- this is an honest look into the thoughts that circled through my head, no guarantee this is pretty:
"I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe I am interviewing midwives."
"I am a fake. A total fraud. I don't deserve to be here."
"I wonder if they can tell...I wonder if the other women can tell that I have had two miscarriages. I wonder if they can tell I did IVF, that I'm not like the rest of them."
"Oh, I pray I am not jinxing myself by being here. Cart before the horse. I totally should have waited until i knew if it this one was viable before I contemplated, you know, actually making plans or GIVING BIRTH."
"I can't believe I am here. I love these midwives. I love everything about this place."
"I am in love with this child. I want the chance to carry and birth my child. I want this so badly."
All in all it was a great meet and greet. We are going to one other meet and greet in a couple of weeks with another practice, but my gut says we'll use this first group. I will be honest- it was really hard. Hard to make the initial phone call. Hard to actually sign up to go. But I take seriously my decision of who will help us deliver our baby, and I don't want to be rushed in deciding. And I keep telling myself that if this one doesn't stick, we will try again- we will need a midwife eventually. So, this won't be wasted effort. But for today is was an attempt to step forward with hope, rather than being paralyzed by fear.
I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way even now.
ReplyDeleteI bet it must feel surreal! I can't even imagine what I will do and feel like if I ever get pregnant and stay pregnant! I'm so happy for you! This one is a keeper! *sticky vibes*
ReplyDeleteYou so deserve this baby. I'm sure it must feel unreal, crazy how our mind plays with us. Glad you liked the place.
ReplyDeleteSometimes our thoughts are not pretty; thank you for being candid and REAL! You are definitely not fake or a fraud.
ReplyDeleteThe first steps a woman takes after finding out she is pregnant really should be to find the perfect place to birth because the pregnancy ultimately leads up to that very, very important day. Good prenatal care counts as well but interviewing and finding the perfect caregiver is the most important thing you can do! Way to go!!! I am very pro-midwife and pro natural birth so I'm excited that you're excited about the midwives.
I'm also pregnant (11 weeks) and it doesn't feel real to me yet either. It usually doesn't until I feel baby move (even seeing them on sonogram doesn't absorb into my mind as being truly pregnant).
Praying, praying, praying!
ReplyDeleteGood on you... making future plans always helps with hope :) You deserve this and great that you can start meeting the people who will help you achieve your dream :) xoxo
ReplyDelete"I am in love with this child. I want the chance to carry and birth my child. I want this so badly."
ReplyDeleteThis sentence made me cry. Just because I know how much you love, hope, and dream this baby.
I want it so much for you, too. Praying.